issues

in life different issues spreads everywhere... ang dami dami nyan sa tabi-tabi! halos lahat kinakabitan.. ewan ko ba! pati nga ako di nakaligtas... anyway involve pa din si steward actually, its about his condition in life... and dahil nga he was courting me syempre natural lang na ma-issue ako...akala ko nga hindi ako maapektuhan pero pag masyado na palang madaming nang-iintriga sayo, maapektuhan at masasaktan ka din pala... and at one point malilito ka din..... hindi mo na alam kung sino yung nagsasabi ng totoo.... hindi mo na alam kung sinong paniniwalaan mo. pero i asked my self... baket ako biglang naapektuhan?? is it because i like him already?? well, i still dont know ... i cant figure out that thing that time... coz masyado pang maaga para magsalita di ba?!

complicated

no doubt! steward is determined and willing to wait for me.. he showed his full interest on me! he proved his intentions and he took the risk of accepting the fact that after all he did, i could not give him an answer..

i know its hard on his part.. na maghintay sa isang bagay na walang kasiguraduhan! but im just being my self! ayokong maging unfair sa kanya at ayoko syang paniwalain na ready na ako for another relationship though i know for fact that i was not!!! siguro nga he helped me to recover from lots of pains ive been through pero di yun enough para mawala lahat yung saket! at kahit sabihin ko pang im already healed di din ganun kadali saken to came up with another relationship cause i am not ready for that.. at alam nya yun..

pero honestly hindi lang naman ako ang issue dito! hindi lang ako ang may komplikadong sitwasyon.. steward is a god person, ahead lang sya ng two years sa akin.. but at an early age he already had one daughter!! from the start alam ko na yun cause everybody told me! di naman big deal saken yun eh! it wasn't his fault! actually it was a blessing from god right? ang malabo lang saken is yung mother ng daughter nya... everybody says theyre not married, and theyre not together anymore.. yun din ang sabi nya saken! for whatever theyre reason was, it was not my business anyway. di ko na yun inalam pa coz hindi ko ugaling mang-ungkat ng personal matters ng kahit na sino.. honestly, being him as a young father was not a big deal for me.. i accepted him as who he is and i understand his situation.. ganun lang talaga ang life! di na natin mababago kung ano man ang nangyayari na sa kanya..

but though i understand his situation syempre isang factor pa din yun para ma-confused yung desire ko sa kanya.. its not about his daughter its about the mother! baka kasi may nasasaktan na palang iba sa mga ginagawa saken ni steward and i cant take that!! ayokong may nasasaktan na iba... gusto ko lang maging malinaw ang lahat coz yun naman ang dapat di ba?!.

not now

steward and i became more closer.. masyado na kaming attached sa isat-isa.. pero habang tumatagal iba na yung napapansin ko sa kanya and it bothered me a lot.. iba na kasi yung closeness and concern na pinapakita nya saken.. parang may ibang meaning na kasi!! at kahit anong pilit kong balewalain yun mas lalo lang syang nagiging transparent saken..

i was afraid kasi ayokong ma-fall sya saken at ayoko ding ma-fall sa kanya.. i dont have time for that and i dont wanna be unfair to him.. hindi pa ko ready eh! at ayoko ng masaktan ulet.. But what should i do?? if the thing im scared about came to reality...

if my mind serves me right it was November 15, 2005.. as usual, i spend my whole day in my bestfriends house.. kina lalaine! steward was also there... malapit lang kasi house nya dun, and when i decide to go home, hinatid ako ni steward... nakasakay kame nun sa tricycle papasok ng subdivision.. common na saken yung ganung eksena kasi madalas naman nya kong ihatid but what makes it different is when he finally asked me if i can allow him to court me... tinawanan ko lang sya that time at idinaan ko sa biro ang lahat... pinilit kong ibahin ang topic but then i failed.... sabi ko nga sa sarili ko, nangyari na ang kinatatakutan ko!! pero honestly i saw the sinserity in his eyes kaya nga i leave him with a smile on my face and tell him its not the right time for us... alam nya yung sitwasyon ko so i dont need to explain it further more...

actually, steward is very nice person! he treated me well, kaya lang its not the right time for us... and kahit gaano sya kabait saken hindi nun mabubura yung pain na ramdam pa din ng heart ko that time. i just need my time first to heel my broken heart and i know for sure that he understands my situation.. and i thanked him for that!

someone to lean on

everybody knows my situation... lahat sila curious bout Angelo!! baket daw ba ganun nalang ako ka-affected sa kanya... haaay... natural lang naman siguro yun nuh! mahal ko sya eh! pero of all people na pwedeng makaintindi at dumamay saken yun pang isang taong di ko inexpect na makakasundo ko...

im talking about steward!! i cant remember the exact date when i first saw him pero isa lang ang tanda ko... i was caught by his colored hair!! kabogero kasi.. di ko maintindihan kung animei look or style dancer lang talaga... well, napataas lang kilay ko sa kanya.. anyways, akala ko before isa lang sya sa mga ordinary neighbor ng bestfriend kong si Lalaine.. pero later on, i found out na bestfriend pala sya ng kuya ni lalaine.. nagkakilala na din kame that time.. at first medyo aloof kasi nga di ko feel hairstyle nya.. heheh.. (anung konek?!) pero time came na naging ok din kame sa isat-isa.. we became friends!! and syemprenalaman nya din yung hang ups ko bout angelo.. actually, wala akong balak i-share sa kanya yun kaya lang nadiscover nya yun kay lalaine, nacurious sya so he asked me bout that.. ewan ko bah, pero for whatever reason i just find myself sharing my heartaches to him... and i can say na because of that gumaan ang loob ko sa kanya! until we became more closer than before...

lage kame nagkikita kasi magakapatid ang bestfriends namin.. meaning to say pareho lang kame ng favorite tambayan! parehong napamahal samen ang "Sarmiento Family" kasi were always there and it seemed like it was our second family... iba kasi yung feeling pag andun kah.. lahat kapamilya kaya at home na at home kah...

then i never thought na out of no where im gonna meet Steward.. bigla nalang syang nag-exist sa life ko and tried his best to help me to move on.. and i appreciate it a lot... pero honestly, medyo scared ako sa pagiging close namin... baka kasi ma-fall ang isa samen and i dont want that to happen coz i cannot stand that... im still in pain and i dont want someone to break my heart again...

life must go on

at the age of 17 i already experienced two consecutive HEARTBREAKS!! meaning to say dalawang beses ko na din na-feel yung love na sinasabi ng lahat.. masarap naman magmahal eh! kakaiba yung feeling to the point na di mo na maintindihan yung pakiramdam na yun.. Weird pero masaya... LOVE is not only about happiness it also includes sadness... ok lang sana kung puro love quarrels lang pero "when love starts to end" yun yung masakit!!

ehdz was my heartbreak!! ni hindi nga naging kame pero minahal ko sya.. and it took me two years to moved on.. medyo natagalan ako nakacope up but thanks to him kasi he taught me how to be strong... then i met angelo.. for the second time na-experience ko ulet magmahal.. medyo may bonus nga lang ngayon kasi naging kame talaga and i can say that the feeling is mutual... kaya lang just like me and ehdz.. angelo and i came to an end!! it gave me a lot of heartaches and nahirapan akong mag-let go but i have to accept the fact that angelo and i is now over!! tanggap ko na yun sa sarili ko kaya lang hindi ko talaga mailet go yung feelings ko for him kaya kahit sobrang hirap ako sinubukan ko pa ding maging normal coz LIFE MUST STILL GO ON... nasasaktan ako pero hindi ko kailangan magpa-apekto. hindi dapat tumigil ang mundo ko just because we parted our ways... sayang lang ang luha kung iiyak lang ako ng iiyak.. besides, hindi na naman nun maibabalik kung ano yung nawala na saken diba! mas strong na ko ngayon, mas madali ko ng natanggap yung nangyari at mas madali ko ng nai-sink in sa mind ko na "breaking up is not the end of my life.. instead it was just the beginning.." and whatever happens life must still goes on... right??

hold on or let go??

sabi nila, in love.. when you start to feel the pain then learn to let that love go and save yourself... pero diba, pain is never a reason to let go? isang way pa nga yun to make you strong and give you strength to hold on.. but what if ikaw na yung nasa ganung sitwasyon?? will you hold on.. or let go..?? actually, it always depends upon the situation and personality ng taong involve.. kung pano sya magrereact at kung pano nya ita-take yung pinagdadaanan nya.. but have you experienced to get stucked in the middle?? yung tipong sa tindi ng pain na naramdaman mo dahil sa sobrang love mo for someone, naiwan ka nalang naguguluhan and di makapagdecide kung magho-hold on.. or magle-let go.. ang hirap ng ganun nuh!? hindi mo alam kung anong side ang sususndin mo.. but whatever choice you made.. always take time for it!! think twice and make sure before you decide kasi mahirap na din magsisi sa huli... and kung ano man ang maging decision mo, always stand for it and learned your lessons...

i cant let him go

why cant i let him go?? iniwan na nya ko diba.. Angelo betrayed and dumped me in a snap!! na para bang balewala na sa kanya lahat ng napagsamahan namin before.. na para bang ganun nalang kadaling i-forget yung love na nainvest namin for each other.. masakit!! and at the same time andun yung panghihinayang... but what should i do?? yun yung nangyari eh!!

i keep on asking myself WHY?? baket ganun yung nangyari samen?? nagkulang ba ko?? nagkamali ba ko?? baket kailangan kong masaktan ng ganun katindi?? baket kailangang ako pa?? ang dami dami kong tanong pero wala akong makuhang sagot.. everytime i asked him, he always pushes me away... tama na daw ako sa kakulitan ko!! hindi pa daw ba sapat na sagot yung "he doesnt love me anymore" malinaw na naman saken yun eh! pero baket?? what makes him fall out of love from me?? baket hindi nya agad sinabi before?? baket kailangan pa nya kong paasahin at pagmukaing tanga for those months na naghagilap ako sa panahon at atensyon nya... yun lang naman yung masakit eh! yung fact na mas pinili nyang manahimik at itago saken yung bagay na nawala na sa kanya... i give him all my trust.. and i loved him with all my heart.. pero ang daya nya!! he opened my heart pero sya din pala ang mangiiwan saken....

imagine how disappointed am i... akala ko kasi i finally found my man pero hindi pala... nakakaloko man pero kahit gano ako nasaktan i dont know why i cant let him go... nasaktan ako at patuloy na nasasaktan pero my love for him was still there... na kahit ilang beses nya kong itulak palayo ayoko pa din syang iwan!! i dont know.. feeling ko kasi hindi pa yun ang end for us!! na theres still a way para maging okei kame... hindi ko alam kung ano yung way na yun at kung pano ko gagawin yun... but one thing is for sure... "I WONT GIVE UP, COZ I LOVE HIM THAT MUCH!!"

the hardest thing..

people born with their strength and weaknesses.. laging magkasama yun!! parang right and wrong.. positive and negative.. your strength are your assets and your weaknesses are your liabilities in life.. lahat tayo meron nyan!! but when it comes to love.. nasan sila??

my number one strength is yung pagiging understanding ko!! proven and tested na yan ng maraming nakakakilala saken.. wala kasing big deal saken!! lahat kaya kong intindihin... either positive or negative coz for me things are always happened for a reason... totoo naman diba?! but it always depends on how you handle those situations in your life.. i am a very light person coz i can handle things in a coolest way it should be.. ganun lang naman dapat diba?! para walang NERVE and PANICS!!

but i am not perfect!! i can easily understand but the most hardest thing for me is "LETTING GO" kaya kong intindihin lahat ng pwedeng maging reason for each and every situations i may encounter but whats hard for me is "how to let go of my love for someone"... coz love is like an investment.. hindi yun ganun kadaling i-let go once someone dumped you.. kahit pa paulit ulit kang masaktan.. andyan pa din yun!! coz only time can tell if your love for someone will start to fade...

how can i..?

how can i forget if the pain in my heart naver fades..? how can it fade if the memories we shared still stucked in my head..? how can i go on with my life if he's the one i wanna share my life with..? how can i be with him if he already pushed me away..?? now tell me, HOW CAN I??

sabi nila moving on takes a lot of time.. and YES its true!! but how can you move on if you cant let that person go..? pano nga ba yun?? pano ko ba ile-let go ang isang taong minahal ko ng sobra at higit pa sa sarili ko..? how can i let him go if my heart wants to hold on..?? this is not about pagpapakamartir!! this is all about holding on and fighting for your love... pero pano nga?? enough na ba na ikaw lang ang makipaglaban..? enough na ba na ikaw lang ang patuloy na humawak sa pagmamahal na sinasabi mo..? enough na ba yun to prove your love for him..? well., i dont think so.. but as long as you know what you're doing then you have all the rights to do what you want... kung yan ang makakagaan sa loob mo and kung dyan mo mahahanap yung sagot ... then LET IT BE...

parting time

how can i forget the day of October 22, 2005!! it was our 9th monthsarry... syempre in the mood ako diba! kahit na few weeks ago i found out something that tears my heart into pieces.. okei na saken yun eh! besides, i really cant blame him.. tagal din kasi namin nagkalayo so, malaki talaga yung posibility na ma-attach sya sa iba diba?! masakit.. but i have to accept the fact coz i love him that much...

anyways, dahil nga monthsarry namin i texted Angelo and i greeted him.. i was sopposed to be happy kasi he replied back.. kaya lang hindi pala... nagreply lang sya dahil siguro nakulitan lang saken.. we never had a sweet conversation.. what we ahd that time is more on arguements and confessions... we talked about Robelle and he admitted na nagkaroon nga sila ng relasyon but they're over now!! then i told myself... kailangan ko ba ikatuwa na tapos na sila though i know for a fact na ang pinakabottom line nun is naging sila pa din diba??!! isang napakalinaw na panloloko yun!! but thats not the climax of our day...

it was our "9th monthsarry"... kung nasaktan nya ko because of Robelle may mas sasakit pa ba when he finally said... "WE'RE OVER" my tears fell down and it felt like my heart was crumpled.. then i asked him WHY?? ang sabi nya lang... "hindi na kita mahal, mahirap ba intindihin yun??" what a line.. actually, ang dami ko pa sanang gustong itanong pero yun na din naman ang sagot sa lahat diba!!

after that conversation, i went out.. umalis ako ng bahay without even knowing kung saan ako pupunta.. then i find myself in my bestfriends house.. si lalaine! i never said anything to her pero syempre napansin nya yung mood ko.. kahit kasi anung pretend ko na maging calm and okei hindi ko magawa.. tell me., how can i smile if the one i love leaves me broken?? ang sakit sakit!! i love him that much.. with all my heart!! and with all my life!! but still he chose to leave me.. WHY?? what have i done to make him fall out of love from me?? dahil ba nagkalayo kame?? HOW LOW!! ang sabi nya naintindihan nya yun.. ang sabi nya he'll wait for me.. ang sabi nya walang iwanan.. pero anung ginawa nya?? he broke his promises.. and he left me alone.. ALL ALONE!!!

i found the answer

October 08, 2005 i was in a computer shop waiting for another day ro pass.. then i opened my friendster account.. i read all the old messages including Angelo's first testimonial for me... honestly, i love reading it bcoz it always gave me a warm feeling amd a smile on my face... then i opened his new account.. i saw his few added friends and one testimonial from a girl named "Robelle"

sa totoo lang, bigla akong nawala sa sirkulasyon ko that time... Mix Emotions!! and i dont even know what to feel.. i was hurt!! gusto ko ngang umiyak eh! kaya lang madaming tao sa shop.. so, instead of crying pinilit ko nalang mag-smile.. pero baket nga ba ganun na lang ang reaksyon ko?? simple lang... coz after reading that testimonial i already found the answer ive been waiting for so long.. obvious naman na may relasyon sila ni Angelo at hindi ako tanga para magpretend na hindi ako marunong magbasa..

ang sakit eh! after all the things i did yun lang yung igaganti nya saken.. damn!! okei lang sana kung sinabi nya saken agad.. madali lang naman intindihin yun diba!! but whats hard and what hurts more is that he let me to find the answer on my own... and thats too UNFAIR!! siguro naman may right akong malaman if he already fall out of love from me diba?! para naman hindi ako maiwang nakalutang...

he just gave me another heartache... and im so disappointed...

he left me hanging

after how many months of having a silent relationship, i decided to go home.. i went back to Manila.. i texted him (angelo) immediatelyto remind him that im already home.. but i didnt got any answer!! i mever stop from texting until August 22, 2005 i got a call from him.. honestly, i felt really happy coz finally, i heard his voice again.. happy ako to the point na halos makalimutan ko yung almost four months na nawalan kame ng contact sa isat isa.. i set aside my pride!! i didnt ask for his reasons.. i just accept him back and forget all the things happened between the two of us...

i thought it was a new start for us.. but you know what.. i was wrong!!! after that call bigla na naman syang nawala sa ere.. akala ko pa naman, ngayon na malapit na kame sa isat isa magiging okei na ulet lahat.. pero hindi pala!!!

HE LEFT ME HANGING!!! ilang months akong naghagilap sa oras at atensyon nya pero nabigyan ba ko ng kahit konting panahon?? hindi... pero ano pa ding ginawa ko?? inintindi at patuloy na umintindi... walang katapusang pagintindi diba!! lage naman ganun eh! baket?? dahil mahal ko sya?? "OO!!"..

connection starts to failed

for almost 3 months of neing together i can say that i achieved the full happiness in my heart.. nun ko lang yun naramdaman eh! to love and be loved in return.. in fact, we spend lots of sweet and happy moments together!! may mga tampuhan pero part lang yun ng relasyong meron kame.. but in every relationship., TRIALS are not exceptional!! kahit gano pa kayo ka-perfect may dadating at dadating na pagsubok.. at yun yung di namin naiwasan ni Angelo...

before naging kame nasabi ko na sa kanyang hindi permanent yung pag-stay ko sa Makati, that im just waiting for the right time to leave.. kailangan ko kasi bumalik ng province for some personal reason.. actually,napagusapan na namin yun and he understand naman..

if my mind serves me right, it was April 05, 2005 when Angelo and i spend our last time together.. we enjoyed each other if there's no tomorrow for us!! pero it only takes for a while coz when the night ended di na din namin na-hide yung hurt of being apart.. yun na kasi yung moment for us to say GOODBYE!! masakit, but we have to!! wala naman kasi kong choice eh! the decision is final.. and i cant back off...

baing far for each other was the hardest challenge we'ce encountered.. kahit gano ko subukang mag-keep in touch.. still, it doesnt work!! habang tumatagal lalo akong nawawalan ng pag asa.. and it hurte ne so bad!! pero kahit ganun pinilit ko pa din umintindi.. siguro busy lang sya.. siguro iba na number nya.. sigurodi nya lang narereceive e-mails ko.. ang dami kong siguro... but i cant find the answer...

god knows my sacrifices.. god knows how hard i tried to save our relationship.. but what else can i do?? if the connection we have starts to fail. . . .

dont leave me nheng..

March 31, 2005 ir was Angelo's birthday!! umuwi sya ng Cavite ro celebrate wirh his family and friends.. actually, he wants me to come with him, kaya lang di naman ako sumama.. but though we're apart we're stoll connected.. before sya umalis dumaan muna sya sa bahay and from the moment he leaves magkatext na kame nun.. sa resort sile nag-celebrate ng bday nya.. and kahit busy di man lang nakalimot magtext.. pagkauwi mila sa house, dun na nya ko tinawagan.. halos nuong magdamag nga kame magkausap sa phone.. we talked a lot of things, until he said to me na.. "dyan lang daw ako, wako daw syang iiwan"... honestly, that was the first time i heard those words from a guy.. at sa kanya pa talaga huh!! di ko nga maintindihan yung nafeel ko that time.. weakness ko kasi yun eh! ayoko ng sinasabihan ako ng ganun kasi when someone do... papanindigan ko yun!! di ko talaga sya iiwan..

he opened my heart

Angelo proved his self to me, kaya nga di ako nahirapang mahalin sya. he opened my heart and i let him in.. it was January 22, 2005 when i finally said my "YES" to him.. actually, halos buong araw at magdamag kame magkasama nun!! nag-overnight kasi sila ni Hashly sa bahay.. and for me that was one of our most happiest day together.. syempre nuh!! kame na eh..

honestly, super thankful ako kay god kasi binigay nya saken si bunso.. akala ko kasi hindi ko na kaya buksan yung heart ko because of what happened in my past.. dun ko nga lang na-realize "that when you loose someone.. dont feel sorry!! just wait for the right time coz god will give you the one you deserve to have.."

actually, sobra sobra pa nga eh! hindi ko lang basta nabuksan yung puso ko.. naramdaman ko din kung pano i-treat ng tama at mahalin ng sobra.. idagdag mo pa yung support ng family and friends ko.. ang sarap kasi ng feeling na malaya nyong napapakita at napaparamdam yung yung love nyo for each other..

legal ang naging relasyon namin.. si Angelo ang unang boyfriend na nakilala at nakasama ng family and relatives ko.. lage sya sa bahay kaya lahat ng occasion present sya.. gusto sya ng family ko.. wala akong narinig na against sa kanya, kaya nga wala kaming naging problema.. we just enjoy and spread our love for each other.. and thank god for bringing him into my life...

nheng and bunso

hindi ko alam kung anong meron si angelo why i let him to come into my life.. imagine, nagstart ang lahat sa isang simpleng "chatmate". after our first meet dun na naging clear ang lahat! he started to court me in a formal way.. and kahit busy sya sa studies nya he always makes time for me.. laging may text, laging tumatawag, and laging pumupunta sa bahay.. gusto sya ng tita and mga cousins ko!! marunong daw kasi makisama.. which is true!! yun din kasi ang nagustuhan ko sa kanya..

NHENG ang tawag nya saken and for whatever reason hindi ko alam.. BUNSO naman ang tawag ko sa kanya.. actually, idea nya yun.. wala kasi ko maisip na pwede itawag sa kanya!! di naman kasi ko sanay sa mga "terms of endearments" na yan nuh!! but honestly, i love it everytime he calls me "nheng"...

chatmate

bumalik sa normal ang takbo ng buhay ko. nagawa kong iwasan lahat ng dapat iwasan and most especially nakaget-over ako kay ehdz!! dun na ko nag decide na mag-stay sa makati para naman madyo mapalapit ako sa friends and family ko.. and from then on lage ko ng nakasama ang isa sa bestfriend ko.. si hashly!! sa RTU (boni) xa nag-aaral kaya madalas xa magpunta saken.

honestly, xa yung isa sa nag-convince saken na i-open ulet ang heart ko.. at sa sobrang kalokahan nya, nagawa pa nya kong ireto sa isa sa chatmate nya.. yeah right!! "chatmate" and would you balieve na na-set up na nya lahat though hindi pa sila nagkikita in person nung chatmate nya na yun.. binigay nya cp & landline number ko kay angelo (name ng chatmate nya). and yun yung naging way namin to get to know each other.. actually, hindi ako sa sanay sa ganung eksena pero sinubukan ko na din.. wala naman siguro mawawala diba? and there's nothing wrong with trying, right?!

Angelo Kae Bay Villanueva full name nya.. 17 years old that time.. ECE student from Adamson University.. actually, taga Amadeo, Cavite talaga sya kaya nagbo-board lang sya sa Manila.. okei naman sya katext and okei din naman sya kausap sa phone.. kaya lang wala akong idea sa looks nya.. until January 11, 2005 came... that was the day when finally, hashly and angelo met in person!! honestly, another set up ni hashly para magkita na din kame ni angelo.. na-remind na nya ko bout dun.. pinuntahan nila ko.. este.. sinundo ko pala sila sa Guadalupe Bridge then diretso kame sa house coz i prepared dinner for them..

that was our first meet!! okei naman pala sya.. maayos naman tingnan!! madyo shy nga lang sya saken.. kinapalan ko na nga face ko para lang di sya mailang saken.. we spend a lot of hours from talking and kahit pano napalagay din loob nya saken.. inArbor ko pa nga yung "yellow baller" nya!! wala lang... remembrance... hehehe...

and when angelo decided to go home, hinatid namin sya ni hashly sa MRT, buti nga nakahabol pa sa last trip.. then, hashly and i went back home together.. samen kasi sya matutulog!! but as usual magdamag lang kameng nag-chikahan.. after an hour, angelo phoned up.. dun lang kame nagkausap ng matino kasi super shy daw talaga sya saken... ayun!!

game over

sabi nila "enjoy life while young" and thats what i did... ginawa ko lahat ng gusto ko! i hang out.. play with different jerks.. and i had fun!! but in every game i joined i always had my limits.. i dont want any Attachments para No Pain.. convinient, isnt it?! kaya lang, nakakapagod din pala.. and i found myself yearning for some changes.. yearning for something genuine.. coz i realized that im just wasting my time for such things that does not making any sense at all.. thats why i decided to leave.. iniwan ko yung lugar na inikutan ng ibat-ibang laro ng buhay ko! umalis ako to make things right and to find my peace of mind...

the show is now ended.. my game is now over.. welcome to a new me!! welcome to my new journey!!

bitter

for almost two years of coping up from my first heartache there are lots of things happened to me in a way that it changed my life... i used to be with different guys but i just Fling and Flirt around.. NO ATTACHMENT EXIST so they just come and go and i dont care at all!!

two years akong ganyan.. nakipaglaro at nakisakay sa trip ng buhay.. pinilit makalimot at pinilit magpakasaya.. pinilit ko ding ipaalam sa lahat that i am no longer the girl they used to know before.. sabi ko nga, if they would hurt me, i can hurt them too!! di lang sila ang marunong maglaro dahil kung ano ang kaya nila, kaya ko din!!

lets just say na dumating ako sa point that i became BITTER!! galit ako sa mga mapaglaro at manlolokong lalake.. habang tumatagal kasi mas lalo silang dumadami.. pano nga naman sila mauubos diba?! masyado silang UNFAIR!! ganun nalang ba kung manakit sila ng mga inosenteng babae?! Nakakainis! Nakakasawa na sila! maybe its about time to make those JERKS feel the pain of getting hurt!! sabihin na nating bitter ako but i have my point.. tamaan na lahat ng matatamaan!! if you react then think about it boy!! maybe youre just one of those jerks in this whole wide world... are you??

anyway, kahit ganyan na ang takbo ng utak ko, syempre im not pretaining to all of mens.. alam ko naman kasi kung sino yung player sa serious.. kabisado ko na yun nuh!! i just really hate those players!! and for those straight mens out there.. its good to know na maynatitira pa palang matinong guy sa mundo.. if youre one of those... then... THANKS!!!

I'm broken

after all the things happened to me and ehdz i just found myself BROKEN!!! actually, almost 28 days lang kaming naging masaya sa isang relasyong ni hindi ko alam kung anong tawag. 28 days akong naging masaya at 28 days din akong umasa. akala ko kasi yun na yung perfect moment ko... but i was wrong!! syempre i was hurt!! or should i say BADLY and TOTALLY HURT!! ikaw ng lokohin at paasahin hindi ka masasaktan?!

almost every night i cried myself to sleep. i cant help it and i cant stop myself from hurting!! araw araw mas nadodoble yung saket.. pag nakikita ko sya.. pag nakikita ko sila.. but what should i do?? isang lugar lang ang iniikutan naming tatlo.. pare-parehong tao lang ang nakakasama naming tatlo.. masakit to the point na sobrang liit na ng tingin ko sa sarili ko! masakit kasi lumalabas na parang ang tanga tanga ko! sobrang saket but i have to face the consequence of being a loser... OO! talunan ako pero di yun dun magtatapos..

dumating yung time na napagod ako.. sabi ko ayoko na umiyak.. taktak na luha ko! but how can i let go of those pains in my heart??? at first umiwas ako, pero kahit anong gawin ko masyadong maliit yung lugar na yun for the three of us.. then i said to myself., "baket ba ko umiiwas kung pwede ko naman silang harapin diba!" it was a very hard decision na i-set aside ang pride ko at i-reverse phsycology ang sarili ko.. too risky.. but i did!! instead of hiding away from them i just go with the flow and start to play the game called "PRETENTION".

i cant imagine myself making friends with that girl and pretend to ehdz that what ever happened to us.. its all over now!! actually, ginawa ko lang yan para makita nilang strong ako! wala naman akong intensyong manggulo or manira, i just wanted to show them na ok lang ako! ewan ko bah! pero kahit pano nabawasan naman yung saket.. nasanay na din ako sa presense nila.. di na din issue saken kung sila na talaga in the end.. tinanggap ko na kasi na kung dun sya masaya, masaya na din ako...

after all those things ive been through, madaming nabago saken. i accepted the fact and i started to move on.. kaya lang that experience made my heart NUMB and made my life BROKEN!!

false hope

continuation po ng "is this the chance ive been waiting for"

i thought that was our chance to make things right., we're both happy naman eh! kaya lang dahil nga pareho kaming commited sa iba we need to decide wether we stay for good or not.. dun ako nagdecide na ibreak si gene.. mahirap but i have to!! di lang para maging single ulet kundi para palayain na din xa sa relasyong isa lang ang nagmamahal.. di ko talaga kaya suklian yung love nya for me thats why i let him go.. i know i hurt him but i was hurt too!! dahil kahit panu naging importante din xa sa life ko..

ehdz done the same thing., naghiwalay din sila ng girlfriend nya.. for whatever reason, hndi ko na inalam!! akala ko nga pag pareho na kaming free magiging okei na samen ang lahat.. we're still happy being together pero yung pakikipag-commit sa kanya parang nawala na sa plano ko.. i still want to, pero ewan ko bah!! para kasing there's something going on na hindi ko naman malaman kung ano.. tamang kutob lang.. pero ayoko naman magtanong., ayoko naman din maghanap ng sagot.. kasi kung talagang may ibang nangyayari., gusto ko xa ang kusang magsabi diba!!

until this one day has come.. if my mind serves me right April 03, 2003 ata yun!! nag out of town kame.. from the moment na nagkita kame that day iba na talaga yung feeling ko but i just let it flow.. magkatabi kame sa car when suddenly he told me na pakinggan ko yung song.. the title was "if youre not the one". iba yung feeling kasi i know the lyrics of the song.. patama ba yun na saken?? well, siguro nga!! pero di ko nalang maxado pinansin... i just enjoyed that time kahit ang totoo hindi ako komportable..

untill we came home.. nagpunta kame ng mga friends ko dun sa favorite tambayan namin., ewan ko ba pero that night iba ang aura naming lahat.. low energy na tamang senti.. then suddenly., one of my friends ask me bout what is going on between me and ehdz.. di ako makasagot eh!! or should i say, di ko alam kung anung dapat kong isagot.. panu ba naman, gulung-gulo na din ako sa sitwasyon!! kaya ayun, pinakinggan ko nalang lahat ng nasabi nya.. di ko na nga lang namalayan na i was crying na pala..

to make the long story short., hindi rin kame nagwork together.. nagkabalikan sila ng girlfriend nya pero hindi ko na binalikan si gene.. i was hurt coz i felt i was betrayed by him.. dun ko lang narealize na expert pala xa when it comes in playing games called love!! actually, ok lang naman sana kasi naiready ko na yung self ko sa ganung sitwasyon.. expected ko na kasi yun eh!! ang masakit lang hindi sya naging honest saken and umasa ako...

"HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO LOVE BUT THEN HE LEAVES ME BROKEN!!!"

is this the chance ive been waiting for??

continuation po ng "he taught me how to love"

third year na ko nito.. madami ng nagyari sa life naming dalawa!! medyo nakalimutan ko na din yung pain na nafeel ko sa kanya before kasi at one point it was also my fault kung baket ako nasaktan diba?! pero okei lang yun atleast naranasan kong magmahal.. di nga lang happy ending!!

anyway, if you can still remember dun sa entry kong "my first boyfriend" nakilala at naging boyfriend ko si gene right?! actually, malaki pa din ang involment ni ehdz sa naging relasyon namin.. kasi naman everybody knows how much i love ehdz.. at kahit sinabi kong okei na ko, im still hoping na sana someday kame naman yung magkaron ng chance..

i know na naging unfair ako kay gene pero alam naman nya yun eh! though i know i was hurting him hindi ko kasi kaya mag lie sa nararamdaman ko.. but god knows how hard i tried na masuklian din yung love na ibinigay nya saken., kaya lang, talagang hindi ko kaya!!!

sabi ko nga diba, talagang mapaglaro ang tadhana.. muli kaming nagkasama ni ehdz sa isang get together sa isang resort., hindi ko naman kasi alam na kasama pala sya!! i dont know pero hindi ako mapalagay that time.. at first parang nagpapakiramdaman pa kame sa isat isa, andun pa din kasi yung gap.. but later on, parang bumalik kame sa umpisa.. we enjoyed that time to the point na parang nakalimutan naming dalawa na pareho na kaming commited sa iba.. sabi ko nga nun "bahala nah" gusto ko lang talaga maging masaya na kasama sya even for a while.. sa buong araw namin sa resort wala akong pinanghinayangan kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na at last naranasan ko ding makasama xa though i know its wrong.. pero inihanda ko din naman ang sarili ko na yung happiness na yun will also last that day.. but i was wrong!! when we got home, he invited me to attend a mass in a church!! sabi ko nga, "baket ganun? sobra na ata ako". akala ko kasi lahat ng nangyari samen naiwan ng lahat dun sa resort na yun but then it was not!! at one point im happy.. sabi ko kasi baka ito na yung chance for us..

tulad ng inasahan ko, yun na nga ang naging simula ulet namin.. almost everyday may happy moments!! lahat worth it!! but behind those smiles are my hidden doubts.. baka kasi ganito., baka kasi ganyan., pero di ako nagpatalo sa mga doubts na yun!! inihanda ko na kasi ang sarili ko sa lahat ng pwede mangyari coz we know for a fact that we had a complicated situation called love..

is this the chance ive been waiting for??

he taught me how to love

looking back., almost five years na pala ang nagdaan!! ang bilis tumakbo ng araw.. parang kailan lang nung time na maxado akong nawindang with this one specific guy.. (lets call him ehdz) this was the time kasi when someone taught me how to love!! hindi xa ang first boyfriend ko pero sa kanya ko unang naramdaman yung sinasabi nilang "L-O-V-E".

as a trivia., neighbor po kame for the last ten years or more.. meaning to say "kababata" na ding maituturing diba?! and would you believe na he was one of those person i hate before?? just for a common reason, "mapresko kasi".. kaya nga natatawa ako everytime maririnig ko yung line na.. "the more you hate the more you love" medyo relate kasi lola mo eh! siguro namis-understood ko lang yung personality nya before kasi when i had the chance to get to know him better., lahat ng akala ko mali pala.. and that was also the time na yung inis na nafifeel ko sa kanya was replaced by admiration.. and from then on, i always wanted to see him.. but when he's around, i cant help myself but to feel nervous and shy!! nakakatawa nga eh! pero part lang yun ng kabataan ko and i know its normal right??

if i am not mistaken, second year highschool ako when he finally ask me if i can allow him to court me.. (haba ng hair ko nuh!) kaya lang i didnt grab the chance.. siguro napangunahan ako ng sobrang tuwa or siguro napangunahan din ako ng pangamba!! ewan ko bah! magulo utak ko nun eh! di kasi ako makagdecide that time.. di ko alam kung makakaya ko bang ihandle yung ganung sitwasyon if ever papasukin ko sya sa life ko.. i was just confused kaya nasayang din yung chance na maging kame.. haaay...

time has passed., pero yung feelings ko for him andun pa din at patuloy na nadedevelop.. though i dumped him wala namang nagbago sa treatment namin.. nice pa din xa and sweet!! until one day when i saw him walking with this one unknown girl.. bigla atang bumaliktad ang mundo ko!! obvious naman na they had a relation coz they are holding their hands.. ang masklap nun., dumaan pa sa harap koh!! what do you expect me to feel diba??? pero dahil umiral ang pride ko., hinayaan ko muna silang makadaan sa harap ko at take note i give them a great but false smile.. after that i was left hanging.. i dont know what to do.. kusa na ngang gumalaw ang mga paa ko at pinuntahan ang kwarto ko.. di ko na nga namalayan that i was crying na pala.. yeah right!! and i cant stop myself.. panu ba naman, yun ata ang first time na may iniyakan akong tao!! coz i was badly hurt...

after that situation, naging bitter ako!! iniwasan ko sya ng todo kasi everytime na nakikita ko sya, and everytime na patuloy pa din xang nagiging nice saken lalo lang akong nasasaktan thats why i focused myself in other things.. pero sadya nga atang mapaglaro ang tadhana.. kasi kahit anung iwas ang gawin ko pinagtatagpo pa din kame ng di sinasadya!! haay.. ewan ko bah!!

my first boyfriend

third year high school ako when i met this one guy.. lets call him gene!! schoolmates kame and friend sya ng friend ko.. at first di ako mxadong at ease kasi sabi nila gusto daw nya koh! haba ng hair ko nuh.. heheh.. pero medyo iwas ako kasi crush sya ng bestfriend ko! panu naman ako lulugar nun diba! gusto xa ng friend ko pero gusto nya ko.. yoko pa naman ng ganung eksena.. kaya lang habang tumatagal lalo akong ipinipilit ng mga tropa ko sa kanya, to the point na pati bestfriend ko naki-ride na din..

actually, okei naman sya eh! i dont know him that much pero sa mga kwento ng tropa ko na tropa nya din, parang ang cute lang malaman na nag change xa ng ilang bad habits nya for me.. oh diba, ang cute nun!

isa syang varsity player sa larangan ng soccer!! pogi points yun kasi i like sports minded guys..

kahit sobrang busy yun sa practice nya he always had a time for me.. yung tipong tatakbo pa yun ng school para lang maihatid ako.. not in my house coz i wont allow him.. dun lang po sa sakayan ng jeep... hehehe!!

after all ng pamimilit ng mga tropa ko, pumayag din akong magpaligaw sa kanya!! honestly, i didnt feel anything for him.. gusto ko lang magtry!! okei naman kasi xa eh! (bad nuh!) and then after three months of courting., i finally said YES!!

he was my first boyfriend.. unang relasyon kaya di ko pa alam kung panu ihandle yung ganung sitwasyon.. natatawa na nga lang ako everytime na maaalala ko yung mga nangyari samen..

hindi kame yung typical bf and gf na super sweet sa isat isa.. halos di nga kame naguusap eh!! ewan ko bah! maybe, we're too shy for each other.. letters nga lang ang way of conversation namin eh! NAMAN!! halos everyday nga akong may letter for him.. kaya lang walang response.. asa pa ko nuh! heheh.. pero may one time na binigyan nya ko ng letter.. sagot nya dun sa letter kong ewan!! i didnt expect na makakagawa xa ng ganung type of letter huh! natalo pa nya ko..

wala kame maxadong naging away aside dun sa issue na nakarating sa kanya bout samen ng bestfriend nya.. actually, mis understanding lang naman yun eh! nabigyan lang ng malisya ng iba yung simpleng notes na nabigay namin sa isat isa.. ang history kasi nun., yung bestfriend nya talaga yung unang nag court saken kaya lang di ko naman inaccept.. so, itong si gene akala nya my feelings ako for his bestfriend which is actually wala naman talaga... hay naku!! grabe yung naging issue na yun!! nagbreak kame at halos masira pa ang friendship nila... wheew!!

after few weeks of being apart.. nagkasundo din naman kame.. nagkabalikan ulet kame.. and okei na din sila ng bestfriend nya!! so., nothing to worry nah diba!! okei na sana kame eh! for good na sana yun kaya lang nun dumating yung vacation nawalan kame ng contact.. di pa naman kasi maxadong uso ang cellphone nun eh! and then something happened that leads for our break up!! pero this time may third party ng involve.. at sa part ko yun.. yoko naman maging unfair sa kanya thats why i decided to quit..

honestly, di naging madali ang lahat.. i know i hurt him pero thats life diba!! kung nagsuffer xa dahil nasaktan ko sya.. nagsuffer din naman ako kasi pinaramdam nya na parang di na ko nag eexist sa mundo nya.. di nya kasi agad natanggap yung break up namin which is naiintindihan ko naman! kaya lang masakit din palang tanggapin na yung friendship na nabuo namin is di na din namin kaya pang ibalik... haaaist!!

and now., almost five years na yung nagdaan.. marami ng nangyari sa mga buhay namin., marami na uling dumating at umalis pero the only thing na ipinagpapasalamat ko sa lahat is yung time na naging okei din kame sa isat isa.. we took a lot of time for it.. mejo natagalan pero atleast we're okei na diba!! alam na din naming hindi talaga kame para sa isat isa at tanggap na namin yun.. happy na nga ako for him kasi i think he finally found her girl..

ayan po ang una kong relasyon!! di ko man naramdaman at naiparamdam ang sobrang pagmamahal., atleast pareho kaming natuto sa lahat ng napagdaanan namin.. and for me., he will always be a part of my life..

harot's grand reunion

after four years.. finally, at last, natuloy din ang reunion ng tropa!! salamat nga sa graduation party ni kalen kasi dun naplano ang lahat.. nag over night swimming kame sa isang resort jan sa angono, rizal.. akala ko nga di pa matutuloy kasi biglang bumuhos ang ulan... pero dahil nakaset na ang lahat., gora pa din kame...

madaming dumating., pero sad to say hindi pa din nakumpleto ang tropa.. pero okei lang yun atleast natuloy din yung matagal ng drawing na reunion diba!!

sa apat na taong nagdaan natural lang na madami ng nabago sa bawat isa samen., madami na sa kanila ang nakagraduate., isa na dun si kalen., ang "cum laude" ng PUP!! si jomel na scholar ng RTU!! at ang ilan pa galing sa ibat ibang unibersidad.. meron pa ding patuloy na nagaaral upang makamit ang hinihintay na pagtatapos.. ang ilan samen ay certified call center agent nah mula sa ibat ibang kompanya.. at ang iba naman ay meron ng pamilya..

pero ang pinakanakakagulat sa lahat ay ang pagkakaroon agad ng pamilya ni nerissa.. sya kasi ang pinaka tahimik sa tropa.. yung tipong di mo aakalaing hahantong agad sa ganung sitwasyon.. well, sabi nga nila.. una una lang yan.. we'll never know kung kailan ang right time for us diba!! pero di mo din naman masasabing isang pagkakamali ang nangyari sa kanya sapagkat nasa husto na syang edad diba?! what's important is nakaya nyang ihandle ng tama kung anu man ang tinatahak nya ngayon.. ayun!

ang isa pang kumabog sa paningin ng lahat ay ang malaking transformation ni abiel.. este., a-byel pala.. napakasimple lang kasi nya nuon pero ngaun talo pa ata ako sa pagiging pa-gurl!! hindi lang sa pagiging boses babae., long hair na din sya ngaun., pahinhing kilos., at pormang fashionista pah!! well, well, well, ganya talaga life., kahit ganyan yan tropa namin yan!!

most of us may kanya kanya na ding mga boyfriend and girlfriend (ako lang ata ang wala that time.. heheh) pero di pa din naiwasan ang mga namuong pag iibigan ng nakaraan.. isa isa naming nabalikan ang lahat hanggang sa mapagkwentuhan ang mga nakakatawang linya ng bawat isa., ang mga namuong away., at ilan sa mga issue na ngayon lang nabigyang linaw..

masarap talagang balikan at sariwain ang mga pangyayaring napagsamahan ng tropa.. at nakakatuwang isipin na kahit mahigit apat na taon na ang nakaraan ay ganun pa din ang pakikisama ng lahat sa bawat isa.. honestly, parang wala ngang nabago eh!! hindi pa din maawat ang kalokohan at sobrang kaingayan sa tuwing magsasama sama ang tropa.. and yun ang pinakagusto namin sa lahat., na kahit saan man mapunta at mapadpad ang lahat... ang tropang nabuo ay mananatili pa ding isang buong TROPA!!

san na nga ba ang tropa??

after graduation, nasan na nga ba sila?? nasan na ang tropa??

as i was remember, right after our graduation nagkaroon pa kame ng overnight party.. yun na ata ang huling get together ng tropa, pagkatapos kasi nun nagkanya-kanya na ang lahat. may ilang tumigil sa pag-aaral, (isa na ko dun) may ilang nagsimulang magtrabaho, pero madami pa din ang nagaptuloy sa pagaaral. ilang taong naging busy ang lahat, hanggang ngayon naman busy pa din.. pero may mag pagkakataon din namang muling nagsasama-sama ang tropa.. yun nga lang hindi kumpleto!! for almost how many years na hindi kame masyado nagkikita-kita madami pa ding balita ang naipapasa sa isat-isa.. anjan yung chika nah. . .

"uy, wala na pala dito si anu, nagbakasyon daw"

"si anu may jowa nah.. oh talaga?! sila na pala"

"stop daw si anu ah, work daw muna"

"nakita ko si anu last week, grabeh! ibang iba nah"

"may asawat anak na pala yun"

well, iilan lang yan sa mga common issues na nakarating sa tropa.. good or bad news man atleast we all know that we're still here for each other no matter what life takes us... diba?!

tropang harot

sabi nila highschool life daw ang pinaka-exciting part ng pag-aaral.. at this stage kasi nagsimulang magbinata at magdalaga ang mga estudyante, meaning to say dito nagsimula lahat ng changes.. from physical, mental, and of course emotional as well.. pati nga social life naten nag improve diba! but the most important part for me is when we created our newest group of friends! actually, it was six years ago.. February 13, 2002 to be exact.. second year high school kame nun.. from section three (3) nun first year most of us nalipat ng section one (1)! nung una ayoko pa sa section na yun kasi feeling ko masyadong mataas ang expectation ng lahat kasi nga we're the "pilot section" but later on unti- unti ding napalagay ang loob ko. i used to meet different faces and so with my co-classmates. madali naman kaming lahat nagkapalagayan ng loob kaya nga nakabuo kame ng isang grupo..

actually, it was composed of different group of friends compiled in a one group called "Tropang Harot" pero baket nga ba harot?? simple lang, from the word itself it reflects our personality.. lahat kasi kame mahaharot pero in a right manner pa din xempre..

pagdating namin ng third and fourth year, accelerated pa din ang tropa!! may ilang nalipat ng section pero most of us pilot section pa din. dami nga ding napagdaanan ng tropa eh! merong minor problems yung tipong tamang selos at tampo lang, pero meron ding major conflicts.. di naman siguro maiiwasan yun diba?! but the good thing to us is that everytime na may mis-understading sa tropa willing kameng lahat na magkasundo-sundo ulet at xempre sa pangunguna yun ng aming president.. and he is non other Dinuel Apostol.. (hehehe.. special mention)

pero xempre di naman kame habang buhay high school diba! after three years sama-sama at sabay-sabay kameng nakagraduate! malungkot na masaya.. natapos na kasi namin yung apat na taon.. nakaraos na din sa wakas!! pero isang reason din yun para magkalayo-layo at magkanya-kanya kame ng landas diba?!

"is the end of our highschool life also the end of our friendship??"

xempre hinde nuh!!

each of us may come and go but the friendship we had will always remain in our hearts...

TROPANG HAROT WILL LAST FOREVER!!!

friendship

When it comes to friendship para lang yang Love... I never set any requirements or qualifications coz I do believe na lahat tayo equal lang! We have the right to choose of what kind of friends we want to have pero ako, ANYONE can be my friend as long as they want it too.. Di issue saken and attitude problems coz i am a very understanding person. Until you want me to be your friend, I'll be here for you! Kahit nga siguro itulak mo ko palayo kakapit pa din ako coz ganun ako kahigpit mag treasure ng friendship.. And I always treat my friends as my second family thats why they are all important to me.

ennaesor's philosophy in life

"EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"

Are you familiar with that line?? Maybe YES!! because that was one of the most common motto on earth. But the question was, Do you believe on that?! You might say YES.. but do you really understand what its all about?! Well, we always say that in evrything we do theres always a reason behind it.. and yes, its true!! But how come it affects your life? And how do you deal with that?

Since I was a highschool student I was enclosed by that motto. Actually, I live my life through the guide of it coz I do believe in that phrase. It made my life more meaningful. It was the reason of my Neutral and Positive mind because it thought me to think and understand both sides of any situations or circumstances that coming through my life. And it made me relized that whenever that reason wasnt in favor of me, I know for sure that it was in favor of others and there is no need to question it. I'll just accept it and learn to be more stronger and contented to what I have now in my life.

tired of this life

im so tired.. ang dami kong pagod ngaun plus the fact na pati mind ko pagod na din.. di ko maiwasang magisip eh! natural lang naman siguro yun diba?! kaya lang, minsan kasi nagsasabay-sabay! to the point na sa dami di ko na alam kung ano una kong iisipin.. haist., yoko magpaka-NEGA pero pag ganito naman ng ganito.. ewan ko nalang!! e kasi naman, ewan ko ba kung baket may mga taong ang hirap pakisamahan.. oo, malakiutang na loob mo sa kanila pero ginagawa mu naman yung part mo para masuklian yun diba! at kung hindi ka man makabayad ng buo ngaun, lam mo na time will come matatapatan mo din yung utang na loob na yun sa kanila.. sometimes nga di ko na alam kung kulang pa ba lahat nh naisacrifice mo para lang mapakita mo sa kanilang nakikisama ka.. pero wala na yun saken!! kaya ko naman tiisin lahat eh! actually, thankful pa ko kasi alam kong mas lucky pa ko compared sa iba... pero ang hindi ko lang talaga kaya is pag may nadamay ng iba.. pag may sinisi ng iba.. at pag may nasumbatan ng iba.. di na kasi proper yun eh! tama ng ako nalang ang mag-suffer kasi alam ko sa sarili kong kaya ko yun eh!! pero pag may nainvolve ng iba., ibang usapan na yun!! most especially pag parents ko na yung involve.. i may not be a good daughter pero i respect them a lot!!!

haist.. ewan ko ba tsong kung baket ganito ang ikot ng life.. okei lang silang lahat samen nun time na okei pa yung lifestyle namin.. but now na down na kame, ganun nalang din ang treatment nila samen.. tulungan ka man expect mo ng mahihirapan ka na masusumbatan ka pah.. simpleng banat nga lang pero TAGOS!! well, its okei.. though you have the right to stand for what you think is right parang ang dating wala ka ng karapatan kasi hawak ka nila and you have no choice but to follow... masasanay ka na nga lang eh! and di mo nalang mamamalayan Manhid ka na pala.. okei lang yan, i know naman na its just gods way for you to become a better person.. trials lang yan! masaktan at mahirapan ka man atleast you learned your lessons, right?! okei na yun! ganyan lang naman talaga ang life eh! just have faith nalang and wait for that final moment na magiging okei din ang lahat at papabor din sayo lahat ng di pumabor sayo ngayon.. -ayUn-

different world

haist., im quite sad ryt now.. mejo dami iniisip ng lola moh! di na nga ako makapagFocus sa mga dapat kong gawin.. though im trying not to be affected di ko pa din magawang maging 100% okei.. kasi kahit anong pretend gawin ko i know myself na at the back of my smiles are my hidden tears... yeah ryt!! you read it ryt peepz.. pero not literally na TEARS as in luha fallen from my eyes.. mgaaakk.. di na uso yun saken nuh! what o mean is those things in my mind thar makes me feel down.. gets?!

mahirap kasi talaga pag malayo ka sa mga taong importante sayo.. and mas mahirap kung andun ka sa isang lugar na di mo naman pag-aaari.. it feels like you're living in a different world! coz there are lots of things you cannot do unlike the usual things you do in your own land diba?! siguro nga it challenge and thrills me a lot kasi maraming bagay ang opposite sa nakasanayan ko nah, and i learned a lot from it! pero kahit ano pa yung positive benefit nun for me.. still, i cannot deny the fact thet im suffering from lots of emotional problems.. most especially when i think about my family! dito ko lang kasi mas naisip yung maraming bagay na wala samen.. and now i realized my faults!! haaaay... enuf!!

misteryo ni EVOL

"they say if love becomes painful, its time to let that love go and save yourself... but just keep this in mind, pain is never a reason to let go"

ang gulo nuh, when it comes to love parang hindi mo alam kung saang side ka dapat.. ang dami kasing interpretations nito, ang daming meaning, ang daming levels and stages! pano mo nga ba talaga masasabing nagmamahal ka?? is it when you found your your happiness? when youve done your best? or when you get hurt?? actually, walang specific answer... basta nalang naten naramdaman!! at kahit anong hanap at isip naten sa sagot na yun mas lalo nating di matagpuan..

pero lahat naman ng nararamdaman naten was all in our mind diba! but bcoz of the MYSTERY OF LOVE we cant hardly find nor explains those things...

how could you??

how could you forget someone who became the most special person in your life? how could you forget that person if in everything you do, everywhere you go, and everytime you close your eyes... that person always exist not only in your mind but also in your heart? how could you forget those sweet and bitter moments youve shared together? and how could you ever accept the fact that the thing you had before was just part of your past and you cant never go back to the way it were..? now tell me, how could you do those things for you to cope up and finally moved on to your life? you think that was easy..? well, its NOT!!! probably and definitly NOT!!!

if you cant do that

then,

how could i???

it is more easier to FORGIVE than to FORGET... for forgiveness is made to those who have sin to us... but to forget was hard coz when you forgive someone it only takes away the pain but it can never fade the memories in it... right??!

right love., wrong time

have you ever came to a point when you asked for someone to be with? maybe YES.. ako kasi OO!! just for a common reason., i wanted to love and be loved in return. gusto ko ng ka-share sa lahat ng nangyayari sa life ko. i wanted to feel special and gusto ko maging happy with that someone., thats why i always pray for that one person to come into my life. kaya lang, life is too ironic! isnt it?? minsan may dadating sayo akala mo yun na kasi you both like each other naman., but the problem was, there are lots of things pala na kahit gusto nyo isat isa di pa din kayo magkasundo. minsan naman everything was in good condition plus the fact na you like each other pero biglang may mangyayari that will lead to your break up. peor mostly., gusto mo... di ka naman gusto... wAtta hell!! but what if, you like each other but the problem was masyadong complicated yung situation nyo... what would you do??? "take the chance and take a risk?" or "dont take it and suffer for something you never try to do?" kung baket kasi may right love nga, wrong time naman... damn...

how to let go...

have you ever came to a point that you have to let go of someone whose very special to your life??? well., sa mga sawi jan cguro or definitly "OO"… ewan ko ba kung baket when it comes to love hindi pwedeng puro happy moments lng… sabi nga nila db, pg nsktan ka dun mo lng malalaman na nagmamahal ka., well., its true nmn eh!!!

pero heartaches will never be a good reason to ruin your life right?! kaya nga naimbento ung "moving on"… for you to go on with your life! just like what i’m always saying… in times that when you feel down., just think of this thought… "everything happens for a reason" and that is TRUE!!! kahit gano ka pa nasaktan sa mga nangyari ders always a good reason behind it… cguro magtatanong kah… RASON??? anu nga nmng mgndang rason eh nsktan kna nga diba!! wel., c god lng nmn ang nkakaalam ng lhat ng yan eh! as long na na my trust k sknya., he will never let you down…. and one more thing., kung mahanap mo man ung rason na yun at hindi pumabor sayo… just accept it!!! kz kung d un pumabor sau., for sure pumabor yun sa iba… in life kz., klngan m22nan nteng wag maging selfish… kung di man tau naging msya atleast sumaya ung iba db?! ok na yun… just wait for your time nlng to receive your happiness… kz kya k cguro ns2ktan ngaun 4 u 2 learn something that will make u strong…

kaya if i were you., i wont waste my time to suffer from thinking of what had happened in your life… nangyari na un eh!! d n nten mababalikan yun ever db… just move on… think of happy thougths…. relax… and aprc8 what you have now… mahirap man gawin sa umpisa coz you’re badly hurt… just feel the pain nlng until it hurts no more…. wait ka lng 4 d ryt tym and you’ll be okei again…

its not hard to let go… just believe in your self that you can do it and you will make it……

proyekto making..

-july 25, 2008-

haist., its another day of making my life xo busy…. (busy daw oh!) bcbchan kuno… heheh., wel., as usual, pg ganitong malapit na ang midterm nagdadagsaan n nmn ang mga projects… project kay sir., project kay maam… walang katapusang projects!!! ganyan tlga… pumasok ka eh., xo expect d unexpected!!! whaat?? anung kunek? ahaah… just like last saturday., d2 n nmn ako sa npkapopular na comshop in d city!! popular dw oh!! sang banda?? wel., popular bc0z., 2 n ata favorite tambayan ng mga project makers… hehehe… isa nb ko dun??? what yah think??? oo nmn nuh., kaya nga ko nandito 2 make a project., pero dahil wala pa ko sa wisyo… i’m making myself., (ayan., nakalimutan ko 2loy isusulat koh., kz nmn dumating c syd… ahahaha….) sbi nya kung makakagawa pa daw ako ng proyekto ko if i2 ang aatupagin koh…. natawa nlng ako… xempre nmn nuh… gusto ko tlga gumawa., but d problem is… wala nga ko sa wisyo… panu ba yun…???? hehehe…. problem ko na un dabah!!!

cge na nga… mgstart na koh…… hehehehe..

one message received...

(Jan 11, 2008)

its been three years ago since the first day weve met! mejo tanda ko pa lhat ng ngyari pro its all over now… aq nlng kz ata ang nakakaalala at nagpapahalaga… but its ok!!! gnun tlga…

kanina ko pa xa iniiwasang icpn pro d ko din ngwa. ok n sna knina eh! pro e2 k2bsa ko lng txt nya… kung bket kz klngan png itaon sa araw na to ang pgp2rmdam nya… akala ko kz enuf n ung three years n pgikot ng mundo ko sknya… hindi p pla!!! para kzng my continuation p eh! d q na alam gagawin koh… nsa2ktan ako pg naiicp ko xa pro d more nmn n pinipilit ko xang kalimutan d more nmn na inilalapit xa sken ng pgka2taon… ang kulet nuh!! minsan d ko n alam kung pnu ko pa sasakyan 2ng laro ng tadhana… bhla nah…

space...

(Nov 10, 2007)

i cant stop myself from crying while were txtng each other… d ko nga alam kung bket eh! is it bcoz of wat he said? is it bcoz im sad and badly hurt? or is it bcoz im hapi coz finally parang nabigyan n nya ko ng closure… alam ko ok n ko kz i2 lng nmn ung hinihintay ko eh! pro at the back of my mind parang my conflict p din… oo, nasagot nya ung maraming tanong sa utak ko pro is this enuf 4 me 2 forget and 2 let go???

god knows how much i love that person… i sacrificed a lot… i waited too long… at khit ilng bese nya kong patuloy na nasasaktan alam kong kya ko p ding mghintay at makipaglaban until d end…

whoever you are., cguro nmn khit pnu nrmdman mu kung pnu kta pinahalagahan… pro as wat uv said., cguro nga hindi pa 2 ung ryt tym 4 us… kya nga khit lam kong mhirap… im giving you the SPACE na alam kong klngan nting dlwa….

another promises

(August 15, 2007)

bket b my mga tao at pngyayari sa lyf mu n s0brng hirap kalimutan? it takes a lot of time… and a lot of efforts… minsan akala mu ok kna pro bgla n nmn xang ba2lik sa lyf mu. pnu mu nga nmn mka2limutan un db?? tama bng tanggapin mu ung sorry nya? tama bng matuwa k sa thank you nya? tama bng umasa k dhil sbi nya babawi sya? susugal kb ulet dhil alam mung mhal mu p xa? o titiisin mo nlng n mwla xa sau dhil takot at pagod kna?

two years.. is it over??

Oct 22, 2007

10:22 pm

its been two years ago since we parted our ways… tanda q p din nga ung eksena na un eh! pnu q nga nmn b maka2limutan un e 9th monthsarry din nmin un nuh! todo txt p q sknya nun pra bumati pro infairnez nasurprise nya q ng todo… akalain mung instead na batiin aq nakipgbreak p sken! sbgay, sa tagal nming d ngkita nun at nwlan p kme ng kontak d nmn malabo na makahanap xa ng iba db! ac2lly, ndiscover q un sa frndster nya pro inamin din nmn nya sken eh! syempre masaket! but i cant blame him… sbi q p nga sknya ok lng khit dlwa kme kya lng break n din pla cla nun… i dnt know why! d hell i care db?! ayun…

time has passed, ang dmi n ngang ngyari eh! steward came into my lyf and so as roni… minsan nawa2la sya sa crkulasyon ng lyf ko pro bumabalik balik pa din! un nga ang d q maintindihan dn! sa tagal ng panahong lumipas, sa dami at tindi ng heartache’s na naibigay nya sken ewan q ba kung baket mahal q pa din sya… ibang klase sya mang gayuma! lifetime ata ang effect eh! but anyways, as what ive said, its been 2 years na db! my deadline kasi aq eh! dalawang taon lng ang ibinigay ko sa sarili q para mkalimutan ang isang tao… para masabi ang "im totally moved on" and ngaun na tapos na yung 2 yrs. na un, am i over him na nga ba??? honestly, feeling q hindi pa… feeling q kc bukas makalawa naiicip q pa din xa… but d good thing now is ramdam at alam q sa sarili q na mas magaan na yung isa sa gusto q eh!! yung mabawasan kahit konti ung bigat sa dibdib … baka kasi bigla na lang aq mag break down nuh! heheh….

basta ,hnde q pa naman alam kung sano ung mga pd mangyari . im not closing my doors….nakapaghintay aq ng 2 taon, alam ko , na kung hindi man bukas yung ryt tym 4 us… ok lang kasi no matter what will happen alam kong kaya q pa ulet maghintay ng 2 or hgit pang taon 4 u… i will never let you go… llaban aq hanggat d mo sinasabing tama nah….okei…..

10 things about ennaesor

- 1. Pen and Paper, My BEST BUDS?? definitely YES!! I really love my pencil and my green notes as I love my bestfriends! Kasi naman trip ko talaga magsulat everytime I feel sad., gumagaan kasi loob ko after I wrote down those things I feel inside.. Ayun!!

- 2. Yosi?? Yuckers!! I am not a smoker and I will naver be a smoker ever!! its a big NO!! NO!! turn off kaya yun! dangerous pa sa health right?! Sorry sa mga natamaan... "Peace Out"

- 3. Mr. and Ms. Yellow... it was once became my terms of endearment to someone from my past! Wala lang., only bcoz we both like color yellow!! hehehe... corni!! Switch na po ako sa green...

- 4. Dont you ever tell me PROMISES and dont expect me to tell it either... coz I hate that word!! I really hate it!! obvious naman siguro na super hate ko yan dabah?!

- 5. Non coffee drinker turns Certified coffee addict!! I cant remember when it was started., all I know is that I really love to drink coffee specially when its raining...

- 6. Good mood when Full moon... You read it right peepz!! medyo hopeless romantic kasi ako eh! I love staring at the moon coz it always makes my mood turns good.. Maybe bcoz of the solemnity it brings to me kaya nga lage ko wait si "Full Moon"...

- 7. Apple's and Chocolates... My one way of coping?! Oo nmn nuh! I dont know but for some reason., eating of it makes me feel fine.. Nawawala yung worries ko!!

- 8. Hard or Light drinker?? I may not be a smoker but I am once a drinker!! Sabi nga nila "Part of Life" and YES I AGREE!! I am a drinker but not what you called "tomadora" grabe naman yun nuh!! I prefer BEER'S than BRANDY coz I easily get drunked on hard drinks kaya nga super iwas ako dun... But as of now, as part of My Resolution "Occasional Drinker" na po ako!! wooohoooo...

- 9. I can easily give my trust but its hard for me to believe someone... and YES its true!! Have you seen the difference??

- 10. I always dream of someone whom I can sit beside on the sand of the beach while staring at the beautiful Full Moon with a background music of "The way you look tonight".. When will it happen kaya?! It maybe sounds corni but honestlty that was my Greatest Dream Date ever!!!

ennaesor's biography

I am Roseanne Mercado Laureano. 20 years of age. Born in November 21, 1987 (year of the Rabbit under Scorpio sign) at Mandaluyong City, Philippines. I live in Taytay, Rizal but I am presently residing at my aunts house here in Batangas City. I am the youngest in our family. I have two brothers who are independently living now and a one sister who has her unica hija named Sweet Erica.

I graduated my Elementary Education at Muzon Elementary School in the year 2000. My Secondary at Taytay National High School in the year 2004. And I am presently taking up my second year Computer Programming course in Colegio ng Lungsod ng Batangas as a scholar.

I got my first job as a Promo Girl/Sampler at Lamonte Sales & merchandising Specialist Inc. Way back in the year 2006. I used to promote different products of San Miguel Corporation in different stores & supermarkets around Metro Manila. And it feels good on my part not only having my own source of income but also the fact of learning different things and improving my Social life through interacting with different kinds of people. And for me, its one of my best accomplishment in life.