issues

in life different issues spreads everywhere... ang dami dami nyan sa tabi-tabi! halos lahat kinakabitan.. ewan ko ba! pati nga ako di nakaligtas... anyway involve pa din si steward actually, its about his condition in life... and dahil nga he was courting me syempre natural lang na ma-issue ako...akala ko nga hindi ako maapektuhan pero pag masyado na palang madaming nang-iintriga sayo, maapektuhan at masasaktan ka din pala... and at one point malilito ka din..... hindi mo na alam kung sino yung nagsasabi ng totoo.... hindi mo na alam kung sinong paniniwalaan mo. pero i asked my self... baket ako biglang naapektuhan?? is it because i like him already?? well, i still dont know ... i cant figure out that thing that time... coz masyado pang maaga para magsalita di ba?!

complicated

no doubt! steward is determined and willing to wait for me.. he showed his full interest on me! he proved his intentions and he took the risk of accepting the fact that after all he did, i could not give him an answer..

i know its hard on his part.. na maghintay sa isang bagay na walang kasiguraduhan! but im just being my self! ayokong maging unfair sa kanya at ayoko syang paniwalain na ready na ako for another relationship though i know for fact that i was not!!! siguro nga he helped me to recover from lots of pains ive been through pero di yun enough para mawala lahat yung saket! at kahit sabihin ko pang im already healed di din ganun kadali saken to came up with another relationship cause i am not ready for that.. at alam nya yun..

pero honestly hindi lang naman ako ang issue dito! hindi lang ako ang may komplikadong sitwasyon.. steward is a god person, ahead lang sya ng two years sa akin.. but at an early age he already had one daughter!! from the start alam ko na yun cause everybody told me! di naman big deal saken yun eh! it wasn't his fault! actually it was a blessing from god right? ang malabo lang saken is yung mother ng daughter nya... everybody says theyre not married, and theyre not together anymore.. yun din ang sabi nya saken! for whatever theyre reason was, it was not my business anyway. di ko na yun inalam pa coz hindi ko ugaling mang-ungkat ng personal matters ng kahit na sino.. honestly, being him as a young father was not a big deal for me.. i accepted him as who he is and i understand his situation.. ganun lang talaga ang life! di na natin mababago kung ano man ang nangyayari na sa kanya..

but though i understand his situation syempre isang factor pa din yun para ma-confused yung desire ko sa kanya.. its not about his daughter its about the mother! baka kasi may nasasaktan na palang iba sa mga ginagawa saken ni steward and i cant take that!! ayokong may nasasaktan na iba... gusto ko lang maging malinaw ang lahat coz yun naman ang dapat di ba?!.

not now

steward and i became more closer.. masyado na kaming attached sa isat-isa.. pero habang tumatagal iba na yung napapansin ko sa kanya and it bothered me a lot.. iba na kasi yung closeness and concern na pinapakita nya saken.. parang may ibang meaning na kasi!! at kahit anong pilit kong balewalain yun mas lalo lang syang nagiging transparent saken..

i was afraid kasi ayokong ma-fall sya saken at ayoko ding ma-fall sa kanya.. i dont have time for that and i dont wanna be unfair to him.. hindi pa ko ready eh! at ayoko ng masaktan ulet.. But what should i do?? if the thing im scared about came to reality...

if my mind serves me right it was November 15, 2005.. as usual, i spend my whole day in my bestfriends house.. kina lalaine! steward was also there... malapit lang kasi house nya dun, and when i decide to go home, hinatid ako ni steward... nakasakay kame nun sa tricycle papasok ng subdivision.. common na saken yung ganung eksena kasi madalas naman nya kong ihatid but what makes it different is when he finally asked me if i can allow him to court me... tinawanan ko lang sya that time at idinaan ko sa biro ang lahat... pinilit kong ibahin ang topic but then i failed.... sabi ko nga sa sarili ko, nangyari na ang kinatatakutan ko!! pero honestly i saw the sinserity in his eyes kaya nga i leave him with a smile on my face and tell him its not the right time for us... alam nya yung sitwasyon ko so i dont need to explain it further more...

actually, steward is very nice person! he treated me well, kaya lang its not the right time for us... and kahit gaano sya kabait saken hindi nun mabubura yung pain na ramdam pa din ng heart ko that time. i just need my time first to heel my broken heart and i know for sure that he understands my situation.. and i thanked him for that!

someone to lean on

everybody knows my situation... lahat sila curious bout Angelo!! baket daw ba ganun nalang ako ka-affected sa kanya... haaay... natural lang naman siguro yun nuh! mahal ko sya eh! pero of all people na pwedeng makaintindi at dumamay saken yun pang isang taong di ko inexpect na makakasundo ko...

im talking about steward!! i cant remember the exact date when i first saw him pero isa lang ang tanda ko... i was caught by his colored hair!! kabogero kasi.. di ko maintindihan kung animei look or style dancer lang talaga... well, napataas lang kilay ko sa kanya.. anyways, akala ko before isa lang sya sa mga ordinary neighbor ng bestfriend kong si Lalaine.. pero later on, i found out na bestfriend pala sya ng kuya ni lalaine.. nagkakilala na din kame that time.. at first medyo aloof kasi nga di ko feel hairstyle nya.. heheh.. (anung konek?!) pero time came na naging ok din kame sa isat-isa.. we became friends!! and syemprenalaman nya din yung hang ups ko bout angelo.. actually, wala akong balak i-share sa kanya yun kaya lang nadiscover nya yun kay lalaine, nacurious sya so he asked me bout that.. ewan ko bah, pero for whatever reason i just find myself sharing my heartaches to him... and i can say na because of that gumaan ang loob ko sa kanya! until we became more closer than before...

lage kame nagkikita kasi magakapatid ang bestfriends namin.. meaning to say pareho lang kame ng favorite tambayan! parehong napamahal samen ang "Sarmiento Family" kasi were always there and it seemed like it was our second family... iba kasi yung feeling pag andun kah.. lahat kapamilya kaya at home na at home kah...

then i never thought na out of no where im gonna meet Steward.. bigla nalang syang nag-exist sa life ko and tried his best to help me to move on.. and i appreciate it a lot... pero honestly, medyo scared ako sa pagiging close namin... baka kasi ma-fall ang isa samen and i dont want that to happen coz i cannot stand that... im still in pain and i dont want someone to break my heart again...

life must go on

at the age of 17 i already experienced two consecutive HEARTBREAKS!! meaning to say dalawang beses ko na din na-feel yung love na sinasabi ng lahat.. masarap naman magmahal eh! kakaiba yung feeling to the point na di mo na maintindihan yung pakiramdam na yun.. Weird pero masaya... LOVE is not only about happiness it also includes sadness... ok lang sana kung puro love quarrels lang pero "when love starts to end" yun yung masakit!!

ehdz was my heartbreak!! ni hindi nga naging kame pero minahal ko sya.. and it took me two years to moved on.. medyo natagalan ako nakacope up but thanks to him kasi he taught me how to be strong... then i met angelo.. for the second time na-experience ko ulet magmahal.. medyo may bonus nga lang ngayon kasi naging kame talaga and i can say that the feeling is mutual... kaya lang just like me and ehdz.. angelo and i came to an end!! it gave me a lot of heartaches and nahirapan akong mag-let go but i have to accept the fact that angelo and i is now over!! tanggap ko na yun sa sarili ko kaya lang hindi ko talaga mailet go yung feelings ko for him kaya kahit sobrang hirap ako sinubukan ko pa ding maging normal coz LIFE MUST STILL GO ON... nasasaktan ako pero hindi ko kailangan magpa-apekto. hindi dapat tumigil ang mundo ko just because we parted our ways... sayang lang ang luha kung iiyak lang ako ng iiyak.. besides, hindi na naman nun maibabalik kung ano yung nawala na saken diba! mas strong na ko ngayon, mas madali ko ng natanggap yung nangyari at mas madali ko ng nai-sink in sa mind ko na "breaking up is not the end of my life.. instead it was just the beginning.." and whatever happens life must still goes on... right??

hold on or let go??

sabi nila, in love.. when you start to feel the pain then learn to let that love go and save yourself... pero diba, pain is never a reason to let go? isang way pa nga yun to make you strong and give you strength to hold on.. but what if ikaw na yung nasa ganung sitwasyon?? will you hold on.. or let go..?? actually, it always depends upon the situation and personality ng taong involve.. kung pano sya magrereact at kung pano nya ita-take yung pinagdadaanan nya.. but have you experienced to get stucked in the middle?? yung tipong sa tindi ng pain na naramdaman mo dahil sa sobrang love mo for someone, naiwan ka nalang naguguluhan and di makapagdecide kung magho-hold on.. or magle-let go.. ang hirap ng ganun nuh!? hindi mo alam kung anong side ang sususndin mo.. but whatever choice you made.. always take time for it!! think twice and make sure before you decide kasi mahirap na din magsisi sa huli... and kung ano man ang maging decision mo, always stand for it and learned your lessons...

i cant let him go

why cant i let him go?? iniwan na nya ko diba.. Angelo betrayed and dumped me in a snap!! na para bang balewala na sa kanya lahat ng napagsamahan namin before.. na para bang ganun nalang kadaling i-forget yung love na nainvest namin for each other.. masakit!! and at the same time andun yung panghihinayang... but what should i do?? yun yung nangyari eh!!

i keep on asking myself WHY?? baket ganun yung nangyari samen?? nagkulang ba ko?? nagkamali ba ko?? baket kailangan kong masaktan ng ganun katindi?? baket kailangang ako pa?? ang dami dami kong tanong pero wala akong makuhang sagot.. everytime i asked him, he always pushes me away... tama na daw ako sa kakulitan ko!! hindi pa daw ba sapat na sagot yung "he doesnt love me anymore" malinaw na naman saken yun eh! pero baket?? what makes him fall out of love from me?? baket hindi nya agad sinabi before?? baket kailangan pa nya kong paasahin at pagmukaing tanga for those months na naghagilap ako sa panahon at atensyon nya... yun lang naman yung masakit eh! yung fact na mas pinili nyang manahimik at itago saken yung bagay na nawala na sa kanya... i give him all my trust.. and i loved him with all my heart.. pero ang daya nya!! he opened my heart pero sya din pala ang mangiiwan saken....

imagine how disappointed am i... akala ko kasi i finally found my man pero hindi pala... nakakaloko man pero kahit gano ako nasaktan i dont know why i cant let him go... nasaktan ako at patuloy na nasasaktan pero my love for him was still there... na kahit ilang beses nya kong itulak palayo ayoko pa din syang iwan!! i dont know.. feeling ko kasi hindi pa yun ang end for us!! na theres still a way para maging okei kame... hindi ko alam kung ano yung way na yun at kung pano ko gagawin yun... but one thing is for sure... "I WONT GIVE UP, COZ I LOVE HIM THAT MUCH!!"

the hardest thing..

people born with their strength and weaknesses.. laging magkasama yun!! parang right and wrong.. positive and negative.. your strength are your assets and your weaknesses are your liabilities in life.. lahat tayo meron nyan!! but when it comes to love.. nasan sila??

my number one strength is yung pagiging understanding ko!! proven and tested na yan ng maraming nakakakilala saken.. wala kasing big deal saken!! lahat kaya kong intindihin... either positive or negative coz for me things are always happened for a reason... totoo naman diba?! but it always depends on how you handle those situations in your life.. i am a very light person coz i can handle things in a coolest way it should be.. ganun lang naman dapat diba?! para walang NERVE and PANICS!!

but i am not perfect!! i can easily understand but the most hardest thing for me is "LETTING GO" kaya kong intindihin lahat ng pwedeng maging reason for each and every situations i may encounter but whats hard for me is "how to let go of my love for someone"... coz love is like an investment.. hindi yun ganun kadaling i-let go once someone dumped you.. kahit pa paulit ulit kang masaktan.. andyan pa din yun!! coz only time can tell if your love for someone will start to fade...

how can i..?

how can i forget if the pain in my heart naver fades..? how can it fade if the memories we shared still stucked in my head..? how can i go on with my life if he's the one i wanna share my life with..? how can i be with him if he already pushed me away..?? now tell me, HOW CAN I??

sabi nila moving on takes a lot of time.. and YES its true!! but how can you move on if you cant let that person go..? pano nga ba yun?? pano ko ba ile-let go ang isang taong minahal ko ng sobra at higit pa sa sarili ko..? how can i let him go if my heart wants to hold on..?? this is not about pagpapakamartir!! this is all about holding on and fighting for your love... pero pano nga?? enough na ba na ikaw lang ang makipaglaban..? enough na ba na ikaw lang ang patuloy na humawak sa pagmamahal na sinasabi mo..? enough na ba yun to prove your love for him..? well., i dont think so.. but as long as you know what you're doing then you have all the rights to do what you want... kung yan ang makakagaan sa loob mo and kung dyan mo mahahanap yung sagot ... then LET IT BE...

parting time

how can i forget the day of October 22, 2005!! it was our 9th monthsarry... syempre in the mood ako diba! kahit na few weeks ago i found out something that tears my heart into pieces.. okei na saken yun eh! besides, i really cant blame him.. tagal din kasi namin nagkalayo so, malaki talaga yung posibility na ma-attach sya sa iba diba?! masakit.. but i have to accept the fact coz i love him that much...

anyways, dahil nga monthsarry namin i texted Angelo and i greeted him.. i was sopposed to be happy kasi he replied back.. kaya lang hindi pala... nagreply lang sya dahil siguro nakulitan lang saken.. we never had a sweet conversation.. what we ahd that time is more on arguements and confessions... we talked about Robelle and he admitted na nagkaroon nga sila ng relasyon but they're over now!! then i told myself... kailangan ko ba ikatuwa na tapos na sila though i know for a fact na ang pinakabottom line nun is naging sila pa din diba??!! isang napakalinaw na panloloko yun!! but thats not the climax of our day...

it was our "9th monthsarry"... kung nasaktan nya ko because of Robelle may mas sasakit pa ba when he finally said... "WE'RE OVER" my tears fell down and it felt like my heart was crumpled.. then i asked him WHY?? ang sabi nya lang... "hindi na kita mahal, mahirap ba intindihin yun??" what a line.. actually, ang dami ko pa sanang gustong itanong pero yun na din naman ang sagot sa lahat diba!!

after that conversation, i went out.. umalis ako ng bahay without even knowing kung saan ako pupunta.. then i find myself in my bestfriends house.. si lalaine! i never said anything to her pero syempre napansin nya yung mood ko.. kahit kasi anung pretend ko na maging calm and okei hindi ko magawa.. tell me., how can i smile if the one i love leaves me broken?? ang sakit sakit!! i love him that much.. with all my heart!! and with all my life!! but still he chose to leave me.. WHY?? what have i done to make him fall out of love from me?? dahil ba nagkalayo kame?? HOW LOW!! ang sabi nya naintindihan nya yun.. ang sabi nya he'll wait for me.. ang sabi nya walang iwanan.. pero anung ginawa nya?? he broke his promises.. and he left me alone.. ALL ALONE!!!