issues

in life different issues spreads everywhere... ang dami dami nyan sa tabi-tabi! halos lahat kinakabitan.. ewan ko ba! pati nga ako di nakaligtas... anyway involve pa din si steward actually, its about his condition in life... and dahil nga he was courting me syempre natural lang na ma-issue ako...akala ko nga hindi ako maapektuhan pero pag masyado na palang madaming nang-iintriga sayo, maapektuhan at masasaktan ka din pala... and at one point malilito ka din..... hindi mo na alam kung sino yung nagsasabi ng totoo.... hindi mo na alam kung sinong paniniwalaan mo. pero i asked my self... baket ako biglang naapektuhan?? is it because i like him already?? well, i still dont know ... i cant figure out that thing that time... coz masyado pang maaga para magsalita di ba?!

complicated

no doubt! steward is determined and willing to wait for me.. he showed his full interest on me! he proved his intentions and he took the risk of accepting the fact that after all he did, i could not give him an answer..

i know its hard on his part.. na maghintay sa isang bagay na walang kasiguraduhan! but im just being my self! ayokong maging unfair sa kanya at ayoko syang paniwalain na ready na ako for another relationship though i know for fact that i was not!!! siguro nga he helped me to recover from lots of pains ive been through pero di yun enough para mawala lahat yung saket! at kahit sabihin ko pang im already healed di din ganun kadali saken to came up with another relationship cause i am not ready for that.. at alam nya yun..

pero honestly hindi lang naman ako ang issue dito! hindi lang ako ang may komplikadong sitwasyon.. steward is a god person, ahead lang sya ng two years sa akin.. but at an early age he already had one daughter!! from the start alam ko na yun cause everybody told me! di naman big deal saken yun eh! it wasn't his fault! actually it was a blessing from god right? ang malabo lang saken is yung mother ng daughter nya... everybody says theyre not married, and theyre not together anymore.. yun din ang sabi nya saken! for whatever theyre reason was, it was not my business anyway. di ko na yun inalam pa coz hindi ko ugaling mang-ungkat ng personal matters ng kahit na sino.. honestly, being him as a young father was not a big deal for me.. i accepted him as who he is and i understand his situation.. ganun lang talaga ang life! di na natin mababago kung ano man ang nangyayari na sa kanya..

but though i understand his situation syempre isang factor pa din yun para ma-confused yung desire ko sa kanya.. its not about his daughter its about the mother! baka kasi may nasasaktan na palang iba sa mga ginagawa saken ni steward and i cant take that!! ayokong may nasasaktan na iba... gusto ko lang maging malinaw ang lahat coz yun naman ang dapat di ba?!.

not now

steward and i became more closer.. masyado na kaming attached sa isat-isa.. pero habang tumatagal iba na yung napapansin ko sa kanya and it bothered me a lot.. iba na kasi yung closeness and concern na pinapakita nya saken.. parang may ibang meaning na kasi!! at kahit anong pilit kong balewalain yun mas lalo lang syang nagiging transparent saken..

i was afraid kasi ayokong ma-fall sya saken at ayoko ding ma-fall sa kanya.. i dont have time for that and i dont wanna be unfair to him.. hindi pa ko ready eh! at ayoko ng masaktan ulet.. But what should i do?? if the thing im scared about came to reality...

if my mind serves me right it was November 15, 2005.. as usual, i spend my whole day in my bestfriends house.. kina lalaine! steward was also there... malapit lang kasi house nya dun, and when i decide to go home, hinatid ako ni steward... nakasakay kame nun sa tricycle papasok ng subdivision.. common na saken yung ganung eksena kasi madalas naman nya kong ihatid but what makes it different is when he finally asked me if i can allow him to court me... tinawanan ko lang sya that time at idinaan ko sa biro ang lahat... pinilit kong ibahin ang topic but then i failed.... sabi ko nga sa sarili ko, nangyari na ang kinatatakutan ko!! pero honestly i saw the sinserity in his eyes kaya nga i leave him with a smile on my face and tell him its not the right time for us... alam nya yung sitwasyon ko so i dont need to explain it further more...

actually, steward is very nice person! he treated me well, kaya lang its not the right time for us... and kahit gaano sya kabait saken hindi nun mabubura yung pain na ramdam pa din ng heart ko that time. i just need my time first to heel my broken heart and i know for sure that he understands my situation.. and i thanked him for that!

someone to lean on

everybody knows my situation... lahat sila curious bout Angelo!! baket daw ba ganun nalang ako ka-affected sa kanya... haaay... natural lang naman siguro yun nuh! mahal ko sya eh! pero of all people na pwedeng makaintindi at dumamay saken yun pang isang taong di ko inexpect na makakasundo ko...

im talking about steward!! i cant remember the exact date when i first saw him pero isa lang ang tanda ko... i was caught by his colored hair!! kabogero kasi.. di ko maintindihan kung animei look or style dancer lang talaga... well, napataas lang kilay ko sa kanya.. anyways, akala ko before isa lang sya sa mga ordinary neighbor ng bestfriend kong si Lalaine.. pero later on, i found out na bestfriend pala sya ng kuya ni lalaine.. nagkakilala na din kame that time.. at first medyo aloof kasi nga di ko feel hairstyle nya.. heheh.. (anung konek?!) pero time came na naging ok din kame sa isat-isa.. we became friends!! and syemprenalaman nya din yung hang ups ko bout angelo.. actually, wala akong balak i-share sa kanya yun kaya lang nadiscover nya yun kay lalaine, nacurious sya so he asked me bout that.. ewan ko bah, pero for whatever reason i just find myself sharing my heartaches to him... and i can say na because of that gumaan ang loob ko sa kanya! until we became more closer than before...

lage kame nagkikita kasi magakapatid ang bestfriends namin.. meaning to say pareho lang kame ng favorite tambayan! parehong napamahal samen ang "Sarmiento Family" kasi were always there and it seemed like it was our second family... iba kasi yung feeling pag andun kah.. lahat kapamilya kaya at home na at home kah...

then i never thought na out of no where im gonna meet Steward.. bigla nalang syang nag-exist sa life ko and tried his best to help me to move on.. and i appreciate it a lot... pero honestly, medyo scared ako sa pagiging close namin... baka kasi ma-fall ang isa samen and i dont want that to happen coz i cannot stand that... im still in pain and i dont want someone to break my heart again...

life must go on

at the age of 17 i already experienced two consecutive HEARTBREAKS!! meaning to say dalawang beses ko na din na-feel yung love na sinasabi ng lahat.. masarap naman magmahal eh! kakaiba yung feeling to the point na di mo na maintindihan yung pakiramdam na yun.. Weird pero masaya... LOVE is not only about happiness it also includes sadness... ok lang sana kung puro love quarrels lang pero "when love starts to end" yun yung masakit!!

ehdz was my heartbreak!! ni hindi nga naging kame pero minahal ko sya.. and it took me two years to moved on.. medyo natagalan ako nakacope up but thanks to him kasi he taught me how to be strong... then i met angelo.. for the second time na-experience ko ulet magmahal.. medyo may bonus nga lang ngayon kasi naging kame talaga and i can say that the feeling is mutual... kaya lang just like me and ehdz.. angelo and i came to an end!! it gave me a lot of heartaches and nahirapan akong mag-let go but i have to accept the fact that angelo and i is now over!! tanggap ko na yun sa sarili ko kaya lang hindi ko talaga mailet go yung feelings ko for him kaya kahit sobrang hirap ako sinubukan ko pa ding maging normal coz LIFE MUST STILL GO ON... nasasaktan ako pero hindi ko kailangan magpa-apekto. hindi dapat tumigil ang mundo ko just because we parted our ways... sayang lang ang luha kung iiyak lang ako ng iiyak.. besides, hindi na naman nun maibabalik kung ano yung nawala na saken diba! mas strong na ko ngayon, mas madali ko ng natanggap yung nangyari at mas madali ko ng nai-sink in sa mind ko na "breaking up is not the end of my life.. instead it was just the beginning.." and whatever happens life must still goes on... right??

hold on or let go??

sabi nila, in love.. when you start to feel the pain then learn to let that love go and save yourself... pero diba, pain is never a reason to let go? isang way pa nga yun to make you strong and give you strength to hold on.. but what if ikaw na yung nasa ganung sitwasyon?? will you hold on.. or let go..?? actually, it always depends upon the situation and personality ng taong involve.. kung pano sya magrereact at kung pano nya ita-take yung pinagdadaanan nya.. but have you experienced to get stucked in the middle?? yung tipong sa tindi ng pain na naramdaman mo dahil sa sobrang love mo for someone, naiwan ka nalang naguguluhan and di makapagdecide kung magho-hold on.. or magle-let go.. ang hirap ng ganun nuh!? hindi mo alam kung anong side ang sususndin mo.. but whatever choice you made.. always take time for it!! think twice and make sure before you decide kasi mahirap na din magsisi sa huli... and kung ano man ang maging decision mo, always stand for it and learned your lessons...

i cant let him go

why cant i let him go?? iniwan na nya ko diba.. Angelo betrayed and dumped me in a snap!! na para bang balewala na sa kanya lahat ng napagsamahan namin before.. na para bang ganun nalang kadaling i-forget yung love na nainvest namin for each other.. masakit!! and at the same time andun yung panghihinayang... but what should i do?? yun yung nangyari eh!!

i keep on asking myself WHY?? baket ganun yung nangyari samen?? nagkulang ba ko?? nagkamali ba ko?? baket kailangan kong masaktan ng ganun katindi?? baket kailangang ako pa?? ang dami dami kong tanong pero wala akong makuhang sagot.. everytime i asked him, he always pushes me away... tama na daw ako sa kakulitan ko!! hindi pa daw ba sapat na sagot yung "he doesnt love me anymore" malinaw na naman saken yun eh! pero baket?? what makes him fall out of love from me?? baket hindi nya agad sinabi before?? baket kailangan pa nya kong paasahin at pagmukaing tanga for those months na naghagilap ako sa panahon at atensyon nya... yun lang naman yung masakit eh! yung fact na mas pinili nyang manahimik at itago saken yung bagay na nawala na sa kanya... i give him all my trust.. and i loved him with all my heart.. pero ang daya nya!! he opened my heart pero sya din pala ang mangiiwan saken....

imagine how disappointed am i... akala ko kasi i finally found my man pero hindi pala... nakakaloko man pero kahit gano ako nasaktan i dont know why i cant let him go... nasaktan ako at patuloy na nasasaktan pero my love for him was still there... na kahit ilang beses nya kong itulak palayo ayoko pa din syang iwan!! i dont know.. feeling ko kasi hindi pa yun ang end for us!! na theres still a way para maging okei kame... hindi ko alam kung ano yung way na yun at kung pano ko gagawin yun... but one thing is for sure... "I WONT GIVE UP, COZ I LOVE HIM THAT MUCH!!"

the hardest thing..

people born with their strength and weaknesses.. laging magkasama yun!! parang right and wrong.. positive and negative.. your strength are your assets and your weaknesses are your liabilities in life.. lahat tayo meron nyan!! but when it comes to love.. nasan sila??

my number one strength is yung pagiging understanding ko!! proven and tested na yan ng maraming nakakakilala saken.. wala kasing big deal saken!! lahat kaya kong intindihin... either positive or negative coz for me things are always happened for a reason... totoo naman diba?! but it always depends on how you handle those situations in your life.. i am a very light person coz i can handle things in a coolest way it should be.. ganun lang naman dapat diba?! para walang NERVE and PANICS!!

but i am not perfect!! i can easily understand but the most hardest thing for me is "LETTING GO" kaya kong intindihin lahat ng pwedeng maging reason for each and every situations i may encounter but whats hard for me is "how to let go of my love for someone"... coz love is like an investment.. hindi yun ganun kadaling i-let go once someone dumped you.. kahit pa paulit ulit kang masaktan.. andyan pa din yun!! coz only time can tell if your love for someone will start to fade...

how can i..?

how can i forget if the pain in my heart naver fades..? how can it fade if the memories we shared still stucked in my head..? how can i go on with my life if he's the one i wanna share my life with..? how can i be with him if he already pushed me away..?? now tell me, HOW CAN I??

sabi nila moving on takes a lot of time.. and YES its true!! but how can you move on if you cant let that person go..? pano nga ba yun?? pano ko ba ile-let go ang isang taong minahal ko ng sobra at higit pa sa sarili ko..? how can i let him go if my heart wants to hold on..?? this is not about pagpapakamartir!! this is all about holding on and fighting for your love... pero pano nga?? enough na ba na ikaw lang ang makipaglaban..? enough na ba na ikaw lang ang patuloy na humawak sa pagmamahal na sinasabi mo..? enough na ba yun to prove your love for him..? well., i dont think so.. but as long as you know what you're doing then you have all the rights to do what you want... kung yan ang makakagaan sa loob mo and kung dyan mo mahahanap yung sagot ... then LET IT BE...

parting time

how can i forget the day of October 22, 2005!! it was our 9th monthsarry... syempre in the mood ako diba! kahit na few weeks ago i found out something that tears my heart into pieces.. okei na saken yun eh! besides, i really cant blame him.. tagal din kasi namin nagkalayo so, malaki talaga yung posibility na ma-attach sya sa iba diba?! masakit.. but i have to accept the fact coz i love him that much...

anyways, dahil nga monthsarry namin i texted Angelo and i greeted him.. i was sopposed to be happy kasi he replied back.. kaya lang hindi pala... nagreply lang sya dahil siguro nakulitan lang saken.. we never had a sweet conversation.. what we ahd that time is more on arguements and confessions... we talked about Robelle and he admitted na nagkaroon nga sila ng relasyon but they're over now!! then i told myself... kailangan ko ba ikatuwa na tapos na sila though i know for a fact na ang pinakabottom line nun is naging sila pa din diba??!! isang napakalinaw na panloloko yun!! but thats not the climax of our day...

it was our "9th monthsarry"... kung nasaktan nya ko because of Robelle may mas sasakit pa ba when he finally said... "WE'RE OVER" my tears fell down and it felt like my heart was crumpled.. then i asked him WHY?? ang sabi nya lang... "hindi na kita mahal, mahirap ba intindihin yun??" what a line.. actually, ang dami ko pa sanang gustong itanong pero yun na din naman ang sagot sa lahat diba!!

after that conversation, i went out.. umalis ako ng bahay without even knowing kung saan ako pupunta.. then i find myself in my bestfriends house.. si lalaine! i never said anything to her pero syempre napansin nya yung mood ko.. kahit kasi anung pretend ko na maging calm and okei hindi ko magawa.. tell me., how can i smile if the one i love leaves me broken?? ang sakit sakit!! i love him that much.. with all my heart!! and with all my life!! but still he chose to leave me.. WHY?? what have i done to make him fall out of love from me?? dahil ba nagkalayo kame?? HOW LOW!! ang sabi nya naintindihan nya yun.. ang sabi nya he'll wait for me.. ang sabi nya walang iwanan.. pero anung ginawa nya?? he broke his promises.. and he left me alone.. ALL ALONE!!!

i found the answer

October 08, 2005 i was in a computer shop waiting for another day ro pass.. then i opened my friendster account.. i read all the old messages including Angelo's first testimonial for me... honestly, i love reading it bcoz it always gave me a warm feeling amd a smile on my face... then i opened his new account.. i saw his few added friends and one testimonial from a girl named "Robelle"

sa totoo lang, bigla akong nawala sa sirkulasyon ko that time... Mix Emotions!! and i dont even know what to feel.. i was hurt!! gusto ko ngang umiyak eh! kaya lang madaming tao sa shop.. so, instead of crying pinilit ko nalang mag-smile.. pero baket nga ba ganun na lang ang reaksyon ko?? simple lang... coz after reading that testimonial i already found the answer ive been waiting for so long.. obvious naman na may relasyon sila ni Angelo at hindi ako tanga para magpretend na hindi ako marunong magbasa..

ang sakit eh! after all the things i did yun lang yung igaganti nya saken.. damn!! okei lang sana kung sinabi nya saken agad.. madali lang naman intindihin yun diba!! but whats hard and what hurts more is that he let me to find the answer on my own... and thats too UNFAIR!! siguro naman may right akong malaman if he already fall out of love from me diba?! para naman hindi ako maiwang nakalutang...

he just gave me another heartache... and im so disappointed...

he left me hanging

after how many months of having a silent relationship, i decided to go home.. i went back to Manila.. i texted him (angelo) immediatelyto remind him that im already home.. but i didnt got any answer!! i mever stop from texting until August 22, 2005 i got a call from him.. honestly, i felt really happy coz finally, i heard his voice again.. happy ako to the point na halos makalimutan ko yung almost four months na nawalan kame ng contact sa isat isa.. i set aside my pride!! i didnt ask for his reasons.. i just accept him back and forget all the things happened between the two of us...

i thought it was a new start for us.. but you know what.. i was wrong!!! after that call bigla na naman syang nawala sa ere.. akala ko pa naman, ngayon na malapit na kame sa isat isa magiging okei na ulet lahat.. pero hindi pala!!!

HE LEFT ME HANGING!!! ilang months akong naghagilap sa oras at atensyon nya pero nabigyan ba ko ng kahit konting panahon?? hindi... pero ano pa ding ginawa ko?? inintindi at patuloy na umintindi... walang katapusang pagintindi diba!! lage naman ganun eh! baket?? dahil mahal ko sya?? "OO!!"..

connection starts to failed

for almost 3 months of neing together i can say that i achieved the full happiness in my heart.. nun ko lang yun naramdaman eh! to love and be loved in return.. in fact, we spend lots of sweet and happy moments together!! may mga tampuhan pero part lang yun ng relasyong meron kame.. but in every relationship., TRIALS are not exceptional!! kahit gano pa kayo ka-perfect may dadating at dadating na pagsubok.. at yun yung di namin naiwasan ni Angelo...

before naging kame nasabi ko na sa kanyang hindi permanent yung pag-stay ko sa Makati, that im just waiting for the right time to leave.. kailangan ko kasi bumalik ng province for some personal reason.. actually,napagusapan na namin yun and he understand naman..

if my mind serves me right, it was April 05, 2005 when Angelo and i spend our last time together.. we enjoyed each other if there's no tomorrow for us!! pero it only takes for a while coz when the night ended di na din namin na-hide yung hurt of being apart.. yun na kasi yung moment for us to say GOODBYE!! masakit, but we have to!! wala naman kasi kong choice eh! the decision is final.. and i cant back off...

baing far for each other was the hardest challenge we'ce encountered.. kahit gano ko subukang mag-keep in touch.. still, it doesnt work!! habang tumatagal lalo akong nawawalan ng pag asa.. and it hurte ne so bad!! pero kahit ganun pinilit ko pa din umintindi.. siguro busy lang sya.. siguro iba na number nya.. sigurodi nya lang narereceive e-mails ko.. ang dami kong siguro... but i cant find the answer...

god knows my sacrifices.. god knows how hard i tried to save our relationship.. but what else can i do?? if the connection we have starts to fail. . . .

dont leave me nheng..

March 31, 2005 ir was Angelo's birthday!! umuwi sya ng Cavite ro celebrate wirh his family and friends.. actually, he wants me to come with him, kaya lang di naman ako sumama.. but though we're apart we're stoll connected.. before sya umalis dumaan muna sya sa bahay and from the moment he leaves magkatext na kame nun.. sa resort sile nag-celebrate ng bday nya.. and kahit busy di man lang nakalimot magtext.. pagkauwi mila sa house, dun na nya ko tinawagan.. halos nuong magdamag nga kame magkausap sa phone.. we talked a lot of things, until he said to me na.. "dyan lang daw ako, wako daw syang iiwan"... honestly, that was the first time i heard those words from a guy.. at sa kanya pa talaga huh!! di ko nga maintindihan yung nafeel ko that time.. weakness ko kasi yun eh! ayoko ng sinasabihan ako ng ganun kasi when someone do... papanindigan ko yun!! di ko talaga sya iiwan..

he opened my heart

Angelo proved his self to me, kaya nga di ako nahirapang mahalin sya. he opened my heart and i let him in.. it was January 22, 2005 when i finally said my "YES" to him.. actually, halos buong araw at magdamag kame magkasama nun!! nag-overnight kasi sila ni Hashly sa bahay.. and for me that was one of our most happiest day together.. syempre nuh!! kame na eh..

honestly, super thankful ako kay god kasi binigay nya saken si bunso.. akala ko kasi hindi ko na kaya buksan yung heart ko because of what happened in my past.. dun ko nga lang na-realize "that when you loose someone.. dont feel sorry!! just wait for the right time coz god will give you the one you deserve to have.."

actually, sobra sobra pa nga eh! hindi ko lang basta nabuksan yung puso ko.. naramdaman ko din kung pano i-treat ng tama at mahalin ng sobra.. idagdag mo pa yung support ng family and friends ko.. ang sarap kasi ng feeling na malaya nyong napapakita at napaparamdam yung yung love nyo for each other..

legal ang naging relasyon namin.. si Angelo ang unang boyfriend na nakilala at nakasama ng family and relatives ko.. lage sya sa bahay kaya lahat ng occasion present sya.. gusto sya ng family ko.. wala akong narinig na against sa kanya, kaya nga wala kaming naging problema.. we just enjoy and spread our love for each other.. and thank god for bringing him into my life...

nheng and bunso

hindi ko alam kung anong meron si angelo why i let him to come into my life.. imagine, nagstart ang lahat sa isang simpleng "chatmate". after our first meet dun na naging clear ang lahat! he started to court me in a formal way.. and kahit busy sya sa studies nya he always makes time for me.. laging may text, laging tumatawag, and laging pumupunta sa bahay.. gusto sya ng tita and mga cousins ko!! marunong daw kasi makisama.. which is true!! yun din kasi ang nagustuhan ko sa kanya..

NHENG ang tawag nya saken and for whatever reason hindi ko alam.. BUNSO naman ang tawag ko sa kanya.. actually, idea nya yun.. wala kasi ko maisip na pwede itawag sa kanya!! di naman kasi ko sanay sa mga "terms of endearments" na yan nuh!! but honestly, i love it everytime he calls me "nheng"...

chatmate

bumalik sa normal ang takbo ng buhay ko. nagawa kong iwasan lahat ng dapat iwasan and most especially nakaget-over ako kay ehdz!! dun na ko nag decide na mag-stay sa makati para naman madyo mapalapit ako sa friends and family ko.. and from then on lage ko ng nakasama ang isa sa bestfriend ko.. si hashly!! sa RTU (boni) xa nag-aaral kaya madalas xa magpunta saken.

honestly, xa yung isa sa nag-convince saken na i-open ulet ang heart ko.. at sa sobrang kalokahan nya, nagawa pa nya kong ireto sa isa sa chatmate nya.. yeah right!! "chatmate" and would you balieve na na-set up na nya lahat though hindi pa sila nagkikita in person nung chatmate nya na yun.. binigay nya cp & landline number ko kay angelo (name ng chatmate nya). and yun yung naging way namin to get to know each other.. actually, hindi ako sa sanay sa ganung eksena pero sinubukan ko na din.. wala naman siguro mawawala diba? and there's nothing wrong with trying, right?!

Angelo Kae Bay Villanueva full name nya.. 17 years old that time.. ECE student from Adamson University.. actually, taga Amadeo, Cavite talaga sya kaya nagbo-board lang sya sa Manila.. okei naman sya katext and okei din naman sya kausap sa phone.. kaya lang wala akong idea sa looks nya.. until January 11, 2005 came... that was the day when finally, hashly and angelo met in person!! honestly, another set up ni hashly para magkita na din kame ni angelo.. na-remind na nya ko bout dun.. pinuntahan nila ko.. este.. sinundo ko pala sila sa Guadalupe Bridge then diretso kame sa house coz i prepared dinner for them..

that was our first meet!! okei naman pala sya.. maayos naman tingnan!! madyo shy nga lang sya saken.. kinapalan ko na nga face ko para lang di sya mailang saken.. we spend a lot of hours from talking and kahit pano napalagay din loob nya saken.. inArbor ko pa nga yung "yellow baller" nya!! wala lang... remembrance... hehehe...

and when angelo decided to go home, hinatid namin sya ni hashly sa MRT, buti nga nakahabol pa sa last trip.. then, hashly and i went back home together.. samen kasi sya matutulog!! but as usual magdamag lang kameng nag-chikahan.. after an hour, angelo phoned up.. dun lang kame nagkausap ng matino kasi super shy daw talaga sya saken... ayun!!

game over

sabi nila "enjoy life while young" and thats what i did... ginawa ko lahat ng gusto ko! i hang out.. play with different jerks.. and i had fun!! but in every game i joined i always had my limits.. i dont want any Attachments para No Pain.. convinient, isnt it?! kaya lang, nakakapagod din pala.. and i found myself yearning for some changes.. yearning for something genuine.. coz i realized that im just wasting my time for such things that does not making any sense at all.. thats why i decided to leave.. iniwan ko yung lugar na inikutan ng ibat-ibang laro ng buhay ko! umalis ako to make things right and to find my peace of mind...

the show is now ended.. my game is now over.. welcome to a new me!! welcome to my new journey!!

bitter

for almost two years of coping up from my first heartache there are lots of things happened to me in a way that it changed my life... i used to be with different guys but i just Fling and Flirt around.. NO ATTACHMENT EXIST so they just come and go and i dont care at all!!

two years akong ganyan.. nakipaglaro at nakisakay sa trip ng buhay.. pinilit makalimot at pinilit magpakasaya.. pinilit ko ding ipaalam sa lahat that i am no longer the girl they used to know before.. sabi ko nga, if they would hurt me, i can hurt them too!! di lang sila ang marunong maglaro dahil kung ano ang kaya nila, kaya ko din!!

lets just say na dumating ako sa point that i became BITTER!! galit ako sa mga mapaglaro at manlolokong lalake.. habang tumatagal kasi mas lalo silang dumadami.. pano nga naman sila mauubos diba?! masyado silang UNFAIR!! ganun nalang ba kung manakit sila ng mga inosenteng babae?! Nakakainis! Nakakasawa na sila! maybe its about time to make those JERKS feel the pain of getting hurt!! sabihin na nating bitter ako but i have my point.. tamaan na lahat ng matatamaan!! if you react then think about it boy!! maybe youre just one of those jerks in this whole wide world... are you??

anyway, kahit ganyan na ang takbo ng utak ko, syempre im not pretaining to all of mens.. alam ko naman kasi kung sino yung player sa serious.. kabisado ko na yun nuh!! i just really hate those players!! and for those straight mens out there.. its good to know na maynatitira pa palang matinong guy sa mundo.. if youre one of those... then... THANKS!!!

I'm broken

after all the things happened to me and ehdz i just found myself BROKEN!!! actually, almost 28 days lang kaming naging masaya sa isang relasyong ni hindi ko alam kung anong tawag. 28 days akong naging masaya at 28 days din akong umasa. akala ko kasi yun na yung perfect moment ko... but i was wrong!! syempre i was hurt!! or should i say BADLY and TOTALLY HURT!! ikaw ng lokohin at paasahin hindi ka masasaktan?!

almost every night i cried myself to sleep. i cant help it and i cant stop myself from hurting!! araw araw mas nadodoble yung saket.. pag nakikita ko sya.. pag nakikita ko sila.. but what should i do?? isang lugar lang ang iniikutan naming tatlo.. pare-parehong tao lang ang nakakasama naming tatlo.. masakit to the point na sobrang liit na ng tingin ko sa sarili ko! masakit kasi lumalabas na parang ang tanga tanga ko! sobrang saket but i have to face the consequence of being a loser... OO! talunan ako pero di yun dun magtatapos..

dumating yung time na napagod ako.. sabi ko ayoko na umiyak.. taktak na luha ko! but how can i let go of those pains in my heart??? at first umiwas ako, pero kahit anong gawin ko masyadong maliit yung lugar na yun for the three of us.. then i said to myself., "baket ba ko umiiwas kung pwede ko naman silang harapin diba!" it was a very hard decision na i-set aside ang pride ko at i-reverse phsycology ang sarili ko.. too risky.. but i did!! instead of hiding away from them i just go with the flow and start to play the game called "PRETENTION".

i cant imagine myself making friends with that girl and pretend to ehdz that what ever happened to us.. its all over now!! actually, ginawa ko lang yan para makita nilang strong ako! wala naman akong intensyong manggulo or manira, i just wanted to show them na ok lang ako! ewan ko bah! pero kahit pano nabawasan naman yung saket.. nasanay na din ako sa presense nila.. di na din issue saken kung sila na talaga in the end.. tinanggap ko na kasi na kung dun sya masaya, masaya na din ako...

after all those things ive been through, madaming nabago saken. i accepted the fact and i started to move on.. kaya lang that experience made my heart NUMB and made my life BROKEN!!